


Finding what the heart desires

by merida_mrd



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Angst, Comfort, F/M, Fluff, Hurt, Jealousy, Jon and Arya trying to change things, Love in All Forms, Possessive Behavior, Pure Love, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-13
Updated: 2018-04-10
Packaged: 2019-03-30 22:48:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 25,663
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13961715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/merida_mrd/pseuds/merida_mrd
Summary: He always fought. He fought to have some rights and a place in this world. He fought not just for himself but also for people who can’t defend themselves too. He fought, he died and returned to fight again. He fought to save all the livings. He nearly lost what is good and make it worth living in the process. He nearly lost… He didn’t want to think about those days. After all the fights he made in this world he ought to have some freedom. Being King didn’t bring it all. Now he faced other responsibilities. They want him to tie his life to something, to someone and make it work for the realm, for the North.





	1. Part 1

**Author's Note:**

> I decided to write this story because D&D doesn’t show us the beautiful and strong bond and love between Arya and Jon. It is the only real and pure love and bond in the books. It is what makes Game of Thrones more than blood and sex. They took so much from Jon's and Arya’s story line to add Sansa some depth. They could do it without taking from Arya’s story line, taking from Jon’s storyline. We know in the books Jon’s heart is Arya. “What do you know of my heart, priestess? What do you know of my sister?” he said to Red Woman regarding Arya. In the show Jon is a shallow and boring version of the Jon in the book (I would like to see Kit and Maisie playing their characters in their full potential they have in the book.). So this story is about Jon and Arya, Jon finding his heart desire and his soul he lacks in the show, Arya finding her parts in the show they took from her (like her being a warg or her freeing Northern prisoners in Harrenhal. I mean she has a heroic heart we see more in the book and a crave for justice). The story is mostly taking the show as a basic. But Jon’s and Arya’s memories from childhood are coming from book or written by me books in the mind. Jon’s and Arya’s feelings and thoughts during the time they were apart are according to books, because in the show we don’t see characters’ feelings and what is in their mind. 
> 
> I am not a native speaker so feel free to warn me about mistakes in the story :)

He always fought. He fought to have some rights and a place in this world. He fought not just for himself but also for people who can’t defend themselves too. He fought, he died and returned to fight again. He fought to save all the livings. He nearly lost what is good and make it worth living in the process. He nearly lost… He didn’t want to think about those days. After all the fights he made in this world he ought to have some freedom. Being King didn’t bring it all. Now he faced other responsibilities. They want him to tie his life to something, to someone and make it work for the realm, for the North. 

He didn’t want Iron Throne. He didn’t want the name Aegon. He wanted to be a Stark always. Now he is both a Stark and a Targaryen. He remembers his little sister’s smile when he said he wanted to take both his mother’s and father’s name. He said her words to her, the words she said when she was a a little girl, when they were both children and they were both aware the world is full of injustices. 

He said “Woman is important too.” 

She thought with that little smile on her face for a while and said “That is something not seen before.” first, then she smiled even wider and said “Because of that you must do it. It is time to make some changes in the world. You can change the rules now.”

Yes, he can change some rules, he can change the world now. He has that power now.

So first he became Jon Stark Targaryen. He started to wear both sigils. He wanted his home free. He bought North its freedom giving the Iron Throne to Daenerys. But after all this, people still dare to say he must make his claim on the throne strong and marry with some northern lady.

He is done making promises he doesn’t know what that promise will bring in his life. In this situation it will bring a person he doesn’t know. All the names from northern houses, ladies he doesn’t know... Except his sisters… Cousins, cousins now….

Now he is in the small room he uses for private consultations about the matters in the North, the room he uses for working and thinking about all the things he must do as a King and he is looking at his sister. He knows what brought Sansa here. She doesn’t want him marrying a girl from other houses and taking North from House of Stark. She also wants power. She always wanted to be a Queen. 

Jon turned to face his sister Sansa, his face showing the suspicion about the things he is about to hear.

“I know lords want you to marry. There are lots of names they are pestering you with. They want you to marry a northern lady.”

He is sure now what this conversation will be about but chose his words carefully. 

“You don’t need to worry about me Sansa.” He knows he is not the one she worries about but there is no point saying it to her. Jon added “They can say all they want but I am the one who will decide.” 

He saw Sansa kept her eyes on the flames of fireplace for a few second. She was thinking for a way to say the things in her head. She was trying to be careful about it too.  
She looked at him after what he assumed decided the words she will say. 

“Lords are right you know. For securing your claim you need to marry a nothern lady. There is no house to give you that security more than Stark name. Lords say that too. Am I wrong?”

“No, you are not. They want me to marry a lady from House of Stark.” Jon said. He made it sound as if Sansa is not a lady from Stark family, as if they were talking about a different house, not their own house. 

Sansa waited for him to say more but he didn’t. 

“They are right Jon. We both know it. You know you must make your claim stronger in the North. If you marry a Stark noone can question it.”

Jon shifted a little. 

“It is true that if I marry a Stark, my hand as the King of The North will be more powerful. But there is nothing written in the stone.”

Sansa shaked her head a little as if Jon confirmed something.  
“Then you must know that I know what must be done and I will accept whatever you offer.”

Jon took a deep breath.  
“You are my sister Sansa. You mustn’t worry yourself with these political matters. I won’t force you to anything.”

“No Jon, I am your cousin.” she said and stopped. She were trying to find a better way to say the things she wanted to say. “I know you are an honorable man. I know you won’t force me to do anything. What I want to say is… I know this is the best way for our houses and I want this to happen. You are not a stranger and one way or another I will marry. You are the best option for Starks. If you marry a lady from another house, Stark claim on the North will weaken. I don’t want it. I will accept your offer.”

Jon looked at Sansa. Sitting there telling him he is the best option for her house. Even now she is doing to same thing she always did. She ignores his Stark blood again. Jon felt an anger starting to show its head… but restrained it.

“Sansa…” he said with a calm voice. “I appreciate the offer. But do not worry yourself on this matter sister. Whatever we are to ourselves by blood now doesn’t matter, you will remain as my sister. Don’t worry on my behalf or for House Stark. You know my blood is half Stark, just like yours. I will do what is best for North and my family.”

“The best is obvious. We know it…. Who can make your claim stronger than me? There is no family that will give the power I can give you and this stands for you too. Stark House will be stronger if you marry a Stark.”

Jon started to feel his anger trying to save itself from restrains.

“Sansa… I know you learned political games, games of power from the center of it. King’s Landing, your time with Lannisters and Littlefinger thought you how to make yourself important for some causes. You learned this lessons in a hard way and I am sorry for it sister. But… you can’t come here and tell me those things. You can’t present yourself as if you are my only solution. As if I am helpless without you. You forget that I am your king.”

Sansa’s serene expression wavered with these words.

“I didn’t forget….. I didn’t forget you are the King. But tell me this… Am I wrong Your Grace? If we marry it is the best solution for both of us.”

“You are not the only lady of House Stark. You seem to forget that.”

Jon didn’t know what made him say that but he just couldn’t let Sansa to stand there and present herself as if she is the solution to his every problem. She was always like that. She always liked to hold herself above others. She liked to ignore other people. But he just couldn’t let her to stand there and talk as if she is the only Stark daughter, ignoring Arya as if she is not the trueborn daughter of Eddard Stark and CatelynTully.

He can see that Sansa wasn’t expecting this… or was she? Something like annoyance passed her face but then it turned into a face of surprise and disbelief.

“You mean Arya? Really? You can’t think Arya, Jon.”

“Why wouldn’t I?” 

“Jon, first of all I am the first trueborn daughter.”

“You were married to a Lannister and a Bolton. All of them enemies of House Stark. Yes, you didn’t want any of it but if we are here to talk about the best option, for some people you won’t be that Sansa.”

“You know that Arya isn’t cut to be a queen. She is stubborn, she doesn’t know some….”

Jon cut her words for the first time in their conversation.

“Arya always has been the smarter Stark. She is a quick learner. She knows how to act if needs to be. She has a way of herself connecting people. And she doesn’t get under the influences of other people easily. She doesn’t let manipulations to guide her. She forms her own ideas if it needs to , not carves something from choices that are presented to her.”

Jon was aware that he was insulting Sansa with these words but he didn’t feel remorse or any guilt. She started it.

Sansa looked at him for a few seconds, then she smiled at him. The smile was not sincere, mostly she was trying to show his words didn’t effect her.

“You are telling my own sister to me. Her qualities, her abilities, the things she is capable of are not something I have no knowledge of Jon. But unlike you I count her weak points too.”

“What about your weaknesses? Do you count them too? Your desire for power and a crown on your head?”

“Is that a weakness? I know what I want and I know the games you must learn to keep your crown and throne. This isn’t a weakness.”

“You see Sansa, we are not on the same page even in this. The thirst for power and title was never something I counted as a merit.”

Sansa took a deep breath. Jon could see she was trying to calm herself.

“Jon… You and Arya always had a special bond. But don’t let it cloud your judgement. She is young, she is fierce, thinks and acts on without giving time to consider and sometimes this isn’t a good thing. And most important thing is she doesn’t want anything related to being a lady or a queen.”

“I know what she wants and she doesn’t. Believe me Sansa, I know her heart’s desires way better than you. Since she is a toddler I know her better. And… I know how she can do anything to protect her family. I know she doesn’t want to leave Winterfell. If you force her hand for any arranged marriage she will not accept it. I know she knows how to play some roles now if she needs to. I know she is fierce and thinks and acts way too quicker than us. I know that this can be dangerous for her and for a queen this can cause problems. As it can cause problems if you are a queen and your judgements getting clouded while trying to be some good player in the games of throne and forget being a good and a just queen. We have all our weaknesses. I am calmer and I can balance Arya. I know she will listen to me. I know she can learn, I know she can see this as a role she must play and she can adapt. For her being young I am not in a hurry to wed.”

“I can’t believe you Jon!” 

Sansa raised her voice. She wasn’t expecting this Jon noticed. She intended to continue her calm demenour but couldn’t do it. 

She continued with a calmer voice. 

“You said I am your sister and you can’t marry me. What about Arya? How can you marry her? How can you bed her? Or was it some secret desire of you?”

At that moment Jon lost all the intentions of finishing this talk in peace. 

“Enough! One more word like this and you will find yourself in the dungeons for the night sister! Maybe this will teach you how to speak with me!”

Sansa didn’t say anything but she looked at him with a silent way that says she is not backing up from her words.

Jon walked in the room for a few seconds. After that he stopped and looked Sansa.

“Tell me Sansa… Tell me then… How can I marry you? How can I bed you? You who always reminded me I am not a Stark…. “

“We were children Jon.”

“We were children but you are not very different now, do you? Do you think I forgot the ways you reminded me you are the trueborn Stark even after you came Castle Black? You never beat a chance to put me in a difficult position in front of my people. You questioned me in front of others.”

“If you think Arya will sit and obey you, you are very wrong. Arya will do it too. If she doesn’t agree something, she will fight and talk.”

Jon did something Sansa didn’t expect. He laughed. A real laugh… not very strong under the circumstances but real nevertheless.

“I know that. I know she will fight and talk. She will try every way to make her point to me. Some of them can be in front of people too. But Arya would never make it for power or for putting me in a questionable position as the King, not because she sees her Snow brother less deserving the King title.She would never think that. She will fight and talk because it is her nature. She fiercely argues to make her points. It has always been that way. And I can deal with it Sansa. She may anger me or put me in difficult positions but after that I can hug her and tell why she shouldn’t do it. If she sees it will harm me then I know she will take my words to her heart. I trust her.”

“Jon I never….”

“I didn’t finish sister! You know cutting King’s words is not a way of respect. You will respect and listen to me until I give permission you to talk. Am I understood?”

Jon waited for Sansa’s reply. 

She said “Yes” with a hint of annoyance she couldn’t hide but with obey too. 

“Good… Do you think sister I don’t know if Bran claimed the Winterfell, you would support him against me? Even if I was the one who fought and collected most of our army, even if I was the one who didn’t give you to Bolton’s bastard after you came to me for protection, even if I was the one who was covered of blood from head to toe after the war, you would abandon my claim and turn against me. I know what you said Bran about his claim. He is the trueborn son of Ned Stark. I know you supported me because there were no better option for you. But Arya is not like that. For Arya I was never the worse or less among the family. If I was to marry one of my cousins who I grew up with as my sibling, why would I choose the one who I can never trust with whole my heart and who will remind me all of this? I know you will remind me I am not someone I ought to be everytime I look at you Sansa. You want me now, because I am a Stark and Targaryen and the King. You never wanted Jon Snow. Why would I marry you? Answer me.”

“I can’t help with the things I remind you but know that I am sorry for all of that. But if we marry, I will never betray my husband.”

“You will never betray your husband.”

“Yes”

“But not me Sansa. There will always be a temptation if I am not your husband.”

“I didn’t say that. But I see your point now. You don’t want a queen. You want a trustable soldier. You want a sworn loyalty to you. Arya can be your loyal soldier and you want that.”

“You don’t know anything Sansa.” Jon said. Ygritte’s words still haunted him. Maybe because of it, he didn’t say her exact words to Sansa who is sitting there and talking as if she knows all the things there is to know but infact knows nothing about his wants and desires.

Jon continued when Sansa didn’t say anything. 

“Do you think I am less loyal to her? During whole these past years I never forgot her. I tried to push her image somewhere in my heart and mind, so that thinking her wouldn’t hurt much. I even tried to not think about her, but I thought about her nevertheless. Whenever I thought her, I prayed for her even if she was lost and even if I thought she was dead, I prayed for a miracle. One word that she is alive and needs me, one word and it would be enough. If Boltons could get a hold of Arya, do you think I would stay back? Do you think if he touched her, there would be a need to convince me for taking Winterfell back like you did? If it was Arya I would prey on Bolton’s bastard and whole Boltons when I learned it. Even if I knew it was a suicide I would do everything to take revenge for her, to take her back and our home. There would never be a need to convince me…. Contrary, noone could hold me back from taking my little sister back and taking our home back for her. And when I took hold of Ramsey, I would tear off his parts with my bare hands. I would feed his hounds with them. You are my sister Sansa but Arya is my family. For years she was the only family I felt belong to. Don’t doubt my loyalty to her, dear sister. Don’t ever doubt it.”

Sansa and Jon looked each other for a second. She looked hurt a little but Jon can't do anything about it. It is something coming from his heart. She must know Arya is always special in his heart.

Jon waited for a reply. He was daring her to say something against it. She didn’t.

“I would never dare such a thing Your Grace.” 

But Sansa couldn’t let it go. She was annoyed and felt insulted. She wanted to annoy him too… and she wanted to see his reaction.

“If we talk about Arya, there is something you need to know. There are some letters sent to me for Arya. Marriage offers… “

The effect was immediate. Sansa could see Jon was on alert instanty. But he waited a second before talking. 

“Why did they send you letters?”  
“I am her big sister. Bran doesn’t interfere these matters. So they sent me.”

“I am her family. I am the King. I am the protector of House Stark. They mustn’t send you letters in these matters. Without my permission noone can marry her.”

“They want me to help. They will write you too.”

“What did you write them?”

“I didn’t write anything. I know Arya doesn’t want to hear any of them.”

“Good. Write them if they want to make an offer they must directly write to me.” 

Jon thougt for a second then Sansa saw a worried expression on his face. When he started to talk, his voice was softer and worried. 

“Don’t tell any of these to Arya, Sansa. I will talk to her. She can take these offers as a threat. She doesn’t want to leave Winterfell you know. First I must give her assurance again. She must feel safe.”

“I didn’t and I won’t. Arya is my sister too Jon. After all the things we went through I don’t want to upset her. ”

“Thank you” Jon said with a soft voice and left the room.

When he was in his chamber that night, he thought about offers and marriages again. He tried hard to not to think about marrying and marrying one of her sisters, cousins now. But after talking Sansa, he knew if he was to marry for the throne, for making the lords and his advisors happy, he must choose a person he can trust, talk and share his thoughts and feelings in the matters. So he can tie his life for the sake of this alliance to this person. It means he can only choose Arya. They made a peace with Sansa but he can never trust her completely. He still remembers the hesitancy he felt before he went to Dragonstone. He can never trust her with his wounds too. They have no shared happy memories that contains just two of them, they have no shared love. 

But Arya… What he said to Sansa was true. Sansa can be his sister but Arya is his family. They can arrange something together for her protection from all talks of marriage which she doesn’t want, for protection of ruling power of House Stark in the North and he can survive from all talks of marriage too. They would want to see an heir but they can think about it later. They would think something together. Maybe Bran provides an heir. 

He is just done with all the promises they want from him. He gave one of his lives after one promise but he won’t make that mistake in this one. The void in him is always there after returning. The Red Woman said he will feel that void less when he sees his heart’s desire, if he can grasp that thing his heart desires that void can even dissappear. But first he needs to acknowledge it she said. There are times when he feels that void less. Maybe Red Woman would say him something about that but he knows this can’t happen. Even if he sees her again, Jon knows he would kill her again and again. So gaining information from her won’t happen. But he thinks the things she said sometimes. 

“I look at the flames and see there are things we must have talked, there are things I must have seen, you must have seen and done but didn’t happen. Some things have changed and put me in a difficult question Lord Snow. It is the question about your heart. Iis for me to find. Because even if some things change, some things never change Lord Snow. What lay in your heart, what your heart desires never changes. Fate sees to it find it even if ways are different.” 

Jon thinks sometimes she was right. When he looks at all the things happened, some things just doesn’t sit with him. It lacks some certain way, as if someone just tried to hide something from him, so that he can’t name it and put that in its place and fill that void in him.

As much as he didn’t want he remembered that day and what Red Woman said when he asked why.

“You can’t see what I see Jon Snow. I see what your heart is made of. Your heart yearns for something that both grounds it and flies it to the sky. Your heart yearns for something that can be its joy and warm fur. Your heart wants some… thing it can take hundres of knives for and can do it again and again. You must know that heart isn’t in facial beauties, powerful beings with stupendous words. We all walk in our way in life and come across with faces that makes us dizzy, words that makes us bend but in the end all of them just the things we see along the way. They are not our way. Some of them we walk with for a while or in all our lives. But most of them can’t find its way in our cores that makes us who we are. Because not so many things have that power over our hearts. Because heart is none of them, not beautiful faces, not powerful beings, not strong words, not shiny stones or metals, not thrones or crowns. At least your heart isn’t made of them. Heart is what seeps inside and makes us warm, safe and strong in a way that only heart can provide. You can shook the world for it or because of it. You can be who you are now and you can change for it. You can do things you don’t know you can because of it. It is something so powerful that strikes its roots in your soul, heart and mind day by day so naturally, you don’t even suspect it is there. But it is there and you must see it. For your question I did what I did because only someting coming from your heart could bring flames to the sword. Something pure, real and strong in its place, in your heart.”

It is weird. That day while shouting her “Bring her back. Bring her to me.”, he wasn’t aware he heard any words she said. But it seems his memory took it all. Or maybe it is a spell Red Woman made and he remembers because of it. 

When Red Woman brought her back she said “She has things to do. You must help her and she will help you.”

Jon didn’t want to think about that day after whole thing is over. Arya is well, she is with him and Red Woman was a fanatic full of wrong beliefs. But again he can’t help but think of her words now. Arya and he helped each other all the time. They were a team even they were children. She doesn’t want to marry or be a lady to some lord who can never understand or appreciate his Arya. He doesn’t want to give her to people who will only want to teap her to a man and a castle. No he won’t do it. It is his promise to Arya and he can’t do it. He doesn’t want to be trapped under the name of marriage. A lady with coming all with the intentions of protecting her own house and can’t understand the things he wants to do. He doesn’t want a life tied with a promise his heart isn’t tied with all its depth. What Red Woman said? Taking a hundreds of knives for it? For someone? And making it over and over again if it needs to be? 

He shuddered. He took knives to his chest and a knife to his heart. All because he did something it is best for the people, for saving as much as people. He got killed for it. He woke up feeling all he did for nothing. He didn’t have the feeling it is worth taking knives of from the men he called brothers. He wished it was for something in his heart he knew he would do it again and knew it is worth it even if it was against the rules or his oath. It would worth dying for.

He doesn’t want to think about the knives he took. What was he thinking about? Lords, marriage, alliances….

The Lords and advisors must leave him alone. They just can’t let him be. 

The void in him whispered him things again. It does that. Some disturbing voices are whispering him from that void all the time. They whisper that he is the King now, he can get rid of everyone demanding things he doesn’t want. He tries to not to listen them. But it doesn’t mean he will obey the lords and advisors. He just wants to buy time. He can change things, he can make things different, he can change rules. After that maybe this can change too. Maybe he can create a world where lords doesn’t offer their daughters as a bridge, so they can walk on their bodies. He just needs time and a person who can give him time and support for changing the rules. Who else than Arya can provide him this? Noone else… As far as he knows when he starts to talk about changes, any other lady would tell him to play it safe, making heir and making everything as the way before. Well, he isn’t some random King. He is the saver of the realm. If he saved the realm from whitewalkers, he can save them from people and their traditons too. Daenerys mentioned about changes too. North and South can reshape the world again. This is the perfect time for some reforms. 

Arya will support him. His little sister will help him. He knows she will. She is the Queen he needs for changing the world for daughters, sons, bastards, for lords and poor people. They can bring some justice in it.

Noone needs to know what is going on in their chambers. That way they can reign the North together.


	2. Part 2

He felt both calm and anxious. He reached a decision and he felt at peace because of it. 

With Arya, his little wolf, they can both save each other. 

Maybe once there was a part of him desiring a family. He told himself he couldn’t do that with a name Snow. Now he was both a Stark and a Targaryen but after all the wars he fought and the responsibilities he still had as a King he didn’t want to marry a stranger, a woman he doesn’t know and can’t trust. A stranger who wouldn’t understand his wounds and not just physical ones but his soul’s sufferings too. Just for this once he wanted to act selfish and save himself from this duty. After him, Bran can be King or if he ever has a child he can name him or her as an heir. Surely Sansa will marry, her children can be heirs too. After he leaves this world, North has to take care of itself because he fought for North in several wars. He will fight for North while he is the King. He will fight for making some changes, correcting some faults people make in the name of tradions and rules. He is excited for it infact. But he refused to tie his life and his body to a stranger for North. He didn’t want to marry Houses and House politics, even if that house is Stark, he didnt want to be a puppet of that game. Sansa wants to play the game and she would never agree if he proposes a marriage like he plans to propose Arya. Even if she agrees Jon can’t trust her with all his heart, with the things he wants to do.

Trust… Trust is important to him now. Maybe Sansa was right about him wanting a trusted loyal soldier. Once he made a vow for the Wall, for the Watch but her brothers betrayed him. Now they want him to make a vow to a woman. He won’t make that mistake again. He wants someone who won’t stab him. He wants someone who he can trust while fighting for the North. Yes, maybe Sansa was right about him wanting loyalty. But not a soldier… 

The more he thinks the more he is sure and he thought all night. 

He wants a loyal warrior, just like him. He needs a trusted warrior queen. Because being a King or a Queen is a different form of being warriors. If you want to change one or a few things, if you want to have a better world, then you must be a warrior of minds, wits, determination, movements and attacks. You must do everything to make people see, believe and follow. You mustn’t be someone who can play good with other Houses, you must be someone who can desire and design a new, a better system for all people noble or baseborn and make other people believe and follow you. And while doing that you must trust your partner. You must be sure your partner won’t stab you or let other people stab you, won’t betray you with getting distracted with people who have other agendas, who will always whisper things that will seem more easy and secure way to gain power.  
He needs a warrior and a queen who will reign for justice and a better world, not for power and a pretty crown on her head, but try to gain power for herself and for him to do things for that better world they dream of. 

Jon can see himself dreaming with Arya for a better North, where there is justice and happiness. Where daughters get the swords and bastards get the arms… It is easy for them. After all they always talked about dreams and rules they didn’t put and they didn’t like.

What Sansa didn’t see was he can be that loyal warrior for Arya too. He can protect his little sister and his little wolf from other people’s cruelties, from the world and power games. They can protect each other.

Jon’s heart filled with pain when he remembered that day. He knows he made that promise before and couldn’t protect her during the war with whitewalkers. He got distracted, he couldn’t read Red Woman and he failed Arya but he won’t make that mistake again. He won’t.

After they reunited with Arya, Jon saw that a lot happened to his little sister. There was a war at their gates. He learned he was a Targaryen just a little after that. He learned he laid with his own aunt. He just didn’t know how he must feel and what he must do at first. His true parantage was a surprise to everyone. But war didn’t wait for his reactions. So he just reacted as a Stark. He started to prepare his people for the Long Night. Arya came him and she claimed she knows how to fight, how to use the Needle he gave her. She said she wanted to fight with him. She didn’t want him to fight alone. When he said he had men, he wouldn’t be alone. She said none of them is his little sister. In that moment a belonging he thought he lost warmed him so much, despite all the dangerous things waiting for them he smiled. As much as he didn’t want to see Arya in danger and fighting, he saw with his own eyes she really knew how to use her Needle and blade. She said she learned in Braavos. There were a lot of things she didn’t tell. He asked. When she didn’t tell him he told her he would listen her when she was ready. 

She didn’t open herself that day but she started to tell him gradually. She suffered things no child should suffer and done things to survive. She told him Yoren, she was going to come to him just from the beginning but gold cloaks attacked them. She told Harrenhal and Tywin Lannister. She served him and he didn’t understand she was the girl they were looking for. She told him how her and her two friends escaped and she told him brotherhood and Hound. He was afraid when he heard the name. Arya said he was rude and he didn’t like her but he protected her in his way and didn’t do anything bad. She told him about the Red Wedding. She was there, just outside the gates. She could get killed or Freys could take her as hostage, they could rape her, make her marry one of Freys. He didn’t know what he would do if they did that to her but in his heart he knew he would kill all Freys himself if that happenned. She told him she saw Grey Wind’s head on Robb’s body. He hugged her and didn’t let her go for a while. When he let her go from his arms, she said she killed Freys. She told him what she did them. She was afraid even if she said she did what they deserved, afraid of his reaction. When he said “What if anything happened to you Arya? Those men were butchers. If they discovered you, you wouldn’t be here today.” She smiled at him then and said “But I am here.” 

Jon still can see the little little girl who believed in justice, heroes and heroines. She still had that justice and heroism in her heart and soul. If he told her that, maybe she wouldn’t believe him but she used the things she learned in Braavos in the name of justice. She took revenge and freed Riverrun from Freys. It was justice. She told he didn’t kill Walder Frey’s daughters because they took no part of it. She didn’t let Walder Frey’s new wife drink the poisonous wine. Most of men or women wouldn’t mind killing a few innocents for their causes. But Arya wasn’t like any other people. When he asked how he learned all of this, she told him with hesitation and pausing for a while. After Red Wedding Hound took her to Vale but her aunt Lyse killed herself before she could reach her. After Brienne, she couldn’t kill Hound. She deleted him from the list. She hoped he survived in her heart and she was angry herself for it, because she thought it was betraying Mycah. She told him she wanted to come to him. She wanted that so much. But she didn’t have enough money and noone wanted to go to North. So she went to Braavos and learned all of it there. She stopped talking then and looked at him. 

He started to talk when she was silent. He told her how he missed home and her in the first days of the Wall. He told her Alliser and how he didn’t like him from the first day. He told her how him and others called him Lord Snow, bastard of Winterfell. She touched his arm, just a little touch, a little hold on his arm. When he looked at her he saw his little sister Arya again, who always tried to cheer him up when they call him bastard. She knew even then how much it hurt. He told her Uncle Benjen going beyond the Wall and not coming back. He told her Sam and his other friends. He told him Lord Commander Mormont, being his steward and how he hated this at the beginning but Sam telling him it was a good thing. He told her going beyond the Wall, he being in the group as the steward of Commander Mormont but him letting him in the rangers after Sam said he would take his responsibilities. He wasn’t sure about telling Ygritte, he didn’t know why he was hesitating. It must be because her memory still hurt him. But Arya was bearing her soul and it wouldn’t be fair if he hide things from her. How could he expect her to tell the other things she didn’t, if he hid himself? Arya always could sense when he hid something. So he told her about catching a wildling girl and couldn’t killing her. He told her that the girl escaped and wildlings made him their prisoner. He told her Qhorin Halfhand and his plan killing him before wildlings kill him and learning about them by gaining their trust. Jon told her he killed him after Qhorin started a fight. Jon felt his own fear then. It was strange because he didn’t feel this kind of fear for a long time. He was afraid of her reaction too. Because loyalty was something important for Arya. He said he felt bad after that. Even if it was Qhorin’s plan he felt bad. But after he was amond Wildlings he tried to make his sacrifice to mean something. He tried to make his duty as a soldier of the Watch. After that he looked Arya, there seemed to be an understanding in her eyes. It was a relief when she said “Wildlings had grudge for him, they would kill him if you didn’t and he wanted you to do it for the Watch. Maybe they would torture him Jon. They wouldn’t let him easily. You did no wrong.” 

Then she turned her body a little more towards him sitting cross-legged and asked him what happened later. It was like old times, when they were both a child. She was his little baby sister and asking him to tell her stories. He looked at her and smiled. He guessed she thought the same because she smiled too. 

He told her Mance, gaining his trust. They wanted him to tell about the Wall. He told her lying about the number of the Watch because if they knew Mance would never wait to attack. He talked about Tormund and giants. He tried to not to mention Ygritte. He was not going to hide from his sister but he didn’t want to tell about everything too. He told her climbing the Wall, about going back to Castle Black with three arrows in his chest and scratches from wildling warg on his face. He didn’t tell her it was Ygritte who put the arrows. He thought he told enough for one day and told her so. She bit her lip and didn’t say anything first. He knew she wanted to say something. She always bit her lip when she was nervous, wanted something but couldn't. 

I watched her silently. 

She said “It was Ygritte who put the arrows in your chest. Tormund told me. She was your lover.” He wanted to kill Tormund at that moment. Arya always had a way with people and Tormund loved to talk about these kind of things a lot. When he didn’t answer she said “Was she so important for you that you can’t even tell me? Or is it because she was a wildling?”

She looked sad. Her voice sounded sad too. She looked hurt. 

“None of them.” He said and he meant it. It was not about importance and it was not about her being wildling. He just didn’t want to tell his little sister his affair which caused him to broke an oath to the Watch. It must be it he thought. 

As if she was reading his mind she asked “You have.. ben with that girl. Broke an oath with that girl. Was it because of that?”

He didn’t know what to say. He looked at her. She was more curios than sad now. He nodded and told her it was hard to tell some things to his little sister. He hoped she didn’t ask what kind of things. When she was little, Arya liked to listen things from him. Even if she knew what happened how happened she made him to tell her. He hoped she didn’t make him do it again. Fortunately she didn’t but she watched him with her big grey eyes. “Did you really love her?” she asked. 

He said “I ... loved her, she was important to me. But I knew eventually I had to leave her and I did. For the Watch I returned to Wall. My loyalty was to the Watch.” She looked at him for a few seconds then grabed his shirt from his arm and pulled the shirt a little and his arm with it. Just like when she was a nine year old girl and wanted him to join her for an adventure like stealing some food from kitchen. 

“I am hungry. Lets eat something.” She said. 

She told him Meryn Trant days later. After defeating a big attack of whites she sat near him. When he learned she followed Trant in a brothel, he must have given her a very afraid look because she added shyly she was just selling clams and they let her sell her clams. He nodded and didn’t say anything because if he said anything Arya would hold back and he didn’t want it. But he was so afraid of the things he was going to hear. She told him Meryn was a sick shit who preyed on children. She told how he found all the girls old. She told him how Meryn looked her for a few seconds and she thought he recognized her, she was afraid that Meryn undertood she was Arya Stark. She told him when he was looking at her, a little girl came, younger than her and his attention turned to that little girl and he took that little girl and entered a room. 

“No my little wolf. He wasn’t looking at you because he recognized you. You are a little girl too and he was looking at you because of that” he wanted the shout and cry but he didn't. She must sensed it because she assured him no harm came to her. Jon was so afraid but he had to learn and asked her how she killed Trant, asked her to tell him. She told she took a face of a little girl, she went to brothel other night and just stand with other younglings. She told him they took her to Trant with other little girls. He took them in a room. He hit them but while other girls were shouting and crying she didn’t let a voice. He sent other girls and just she and he were in the room. She told him when he tried to hit her again she just attacked him. She mutilated him, took his eyes because of the way he looked little girls. She told him she said who she was before killing him and she said the reason why she was killing him. Because of her sword master Syrio Forel who protected her with a wooden sword and killed by Meryn Trant.

He was so afraid. He waited patiently for her to finish her story. When she finished he first hugged her, kissed her hair. Then he asked her how she could do that. She mistaked his fear. She asked with a little voice that reminded him again a nine year old Arya. She asked if he was mad at her because of what she did. He told her he was mad at her because she put herself in danger. He told him that sick shit could touch her, could harm her. He was crying and Arya was smiling. A happy smile… Gone was the little afraid voice that reminded him little Arya when she broke something or ran away from needlework and waiting for her punishment. When she wiped his tear and said “Don’t be afraid Jon. No harm came to me. That man couldn’t even touch me. I am here now.”, it was like old times again when she tried to cheer him up after a bad look or a harsh word from Lady Catelyn or hearing someone call him bastard again. She hugged him after that and he hugged her strongly, pressing her his chest.

While she was still pressed her chest he started to talk.

“They attacked the Wall. A hundred thousand wildlings and just 100 soldiers defending the Castle. Alliser didn’t listen to me and didn’t seal the tunnel. When you look at the numbers it was an impossible war just like the one between Others and us.” Jon said.

He hug her a little tighter and she gave a squeeze and then she left his chest for looking him. She took the position again, the one that means she is ready to listen his story. She was always ready to listen his stories. 

He told her that night with wildlings attacking the Wall. His friends holding the gate just as he ordered… Alliser getting wounded and him taking the command... Killing a Thenn and seeing his brothers killed by wildlings. Seeing Ygritte with her arrow pointed at him and Olly killing her. He told her his decision to kill Mance and going a suicide mission, his intent to sacrifice himself for saving her brothers. When he told that Arya’s hand grabbed one of his hands and held it. Jon looked at her and saw her fear. 

He smiled and said “As you can see I am here now. Stannis came at that moment. He wanted wildlings to join him. Mance didn’t accept it and he burned him. Mance wasn’t a man without honor. We were just not at the same side. But I couldn’t let him burn alive. He was in pain and shouting. I put an arrow to his heart.”

They sat silently for a while, then she started telling funny things from Braavos or from other places she saw. He knew she wanted to lighten the air. He was the brooding one, she was the cheering. Even if she changed she can be the cheering one for him and he thanked his little sister for it silently. 

That night she came to his room. He was expecting this because he wasn’t surprised at all when she entered his room without making nearly no voice. But he could sense her. He can always sense when she comes. It wasn’t the first night she came to him for sleep. Just like when they were little. When she first came his room after her return she was not sure. She was so hesitant when she asked if she can sleep with him again because she missed his brother and his home. He couldn’t deny her. She hugged him and turned her back, taking one of his arms hugging it to her chest just like a little baby girl would hug a favorite toy or her mother’s arm when she sleeps. He could never deny her after that.

She was stlll a child. He can see changes in her body, he can feel it when he hugs her but he refused to see her as a young woman. She is definetely not a woman yet so that makes her a child but people won’t look at it that way even if they were still sibling half or not. So that was their secret. 

When she came to him that night she crawled under the furs and turned her back and took his arm and hugged it. She knew he was awake.  
“Don’t do that ever again Jon.” She said with an angry calm and sad voice. “You can’t sacrifice yourself for your brothers. Your only brother here is Bran, even if they say he is your cousin he is your brother. And you have sisters. You have me. And I can never allow you to go some sacrifice missons. We fight together and if we are going to protect each other that will be by fighting together. I was trying to come to you and you were trying to get yourself killed. I ban you from that.”

He hugged her tightly, kissed her hair and felt a huge sense of peace. He tried to lighten the mood.

“I am the King little sister. Princesses can’t ban anything to King.”

“Well I can. This silly rules don’t rule me. Besides I am the one trying to protect the King here.”

Jon laughed a little and kissed her hair again, tightening her arms around her. She wasn’t the only one getting angry and afraid.

“What about you? Do you know how it makes me to think you in a brothel with a sick monster like Trant or in a castle full of enemies? You are never going to do something like that again. I ban you from putting yourself in danger. Never again Arya.”

“I am here now… I am not going to leave you Jon. I fear every time you go somewhere without me. You can relax. If you don’t plan to go to brothels then I have no reason to enter them. If you enter a castle of enemies then I will enter with you.” She said. 

He forgot having that kind of love and devotion in his life. Not because he was commander of some Wall or an army, not because he was the King, not because he was an powerful ally. Just because he was Jon. Arya always gave him that feeling. He had that again and his little wolf was telling him she was not letting him go. He let himself feel the peaceful, warm and intense quench his heart, filling it, saving it from a thirst that was there since he left Arya and went to the Wall. But he had to make Arya see too. She couldn’t put herself in dangers, he isn’t going anywhere and he will protect her too. 

“Don’t joke about this Arya. My heart can’t take thinking you in all of that danger. What about you? Didn’t you fear?... Didn’t you think about me? I know you are brave but I just can’t believe…” he told her.

Jon couldn’t finish his sentence. Jon’s arms gave a squeeze to her waist. 

“I think I was more afraid in brothel. While I was in Twins all I thought was Robb’s body with Grey Wind’s head. What they said about killing him, mother and the Robb’s wife were all in my head. There was my cover face also. But the first time I entered the brothel to follow Trant, I was so afraid. I was with my own face. Everywhere was full of soldiers from King’s Landing. They could recognize Arya Stark. But after I watched him, taking a little girl to that room with him… I had to do it.”

When Jon spoke his voice was showing he was having a hard time to speak, like it hurts to voice them.

“Just… Just don’t do that again Arya. We are in a war. Everyday is a danger I know. But just think about me before doing something. Don’t leave me alone. Not now, not ever.”  
Arya turned her face to him, tears forming in her eyes. She put her finger the scar above his eyebrow. Jon closed his eyes for a moment then opened them. How could just one tiny finger give that much warm peaceful feelings? He still couldn’t solve that tiny finger’s power. 

After she took her finger away said “I will but I want the same things from you. Don’t leave me. I found my home don’t take it away from me.”

He remembers how she hugged him, kissed his cheek then turned her back to him quickly. They were both scared for battles waiting for them but felt safe each other’s arms. 

Jon kept walking to Godswood. She was there he knew. Memories still coming to him… Not that he didn’t think about their heart pourings before. He thought and cherished every one of them again and again. After Arya came back he started to remember while they were two souls close to each other among others while they were children. Not that he forgot about it but he could understand better now that they both were grown. 

Arya was like him too. She allowed herself to remember day by day that he was her confidant, he was her friend in games and battles and accept that he still was. She gave her story piece by piece. 

“They punished me after what I did to Meryn Trant. I was blind for a while.” She said one night in the almost dark fortress they were staying for the night. There was a dim light from the candles. She killed a white in a dark cave that day. He ran after her, killing all the walking things keeping him entering that cave she was in. When he entered the cave he was afraid for her so much, he felt his heart clenching hard. He called for her and got no response for a second. But then he heard her voice. She said “Jon” and it was music to his ears. The tight grip above his heart got loose. He felt light headed. 

Everyone asked how she killed a whitewalker in a dark cave. She told them she can see in darkness with a playful smile on her lips. But that night she told him the real reason.

“What! How?!!” he said and she told him that it was kind of a training. She gained her sight after a while. It was so painful to think of her little sister blind and alone on the streets as a beggar just because of a training. She didn’t have a place to go. 

She told him about the actress they wanted her to kill. She couldn’t do it. Instead Arya told the actress who her enemy was. She just couldn’t kill an innocent woman. After that she came to Westeros, she came to him. She told him she was going to kill Cersei first but just she just couldn’t go King’s Landing after she learned he was the King of the North. She told him she always tried to come to him. But couldn’t do it. She was going to come to him not Braavos if she could find a way but she only found a ship giong Braavos and nobody wanted to go to North. She told him she was here now and she was going to protect him. She said she couldn’t save her father, she couldn’t save Robb but she will protect him. 

His personal Kingsguard for whom the King can give his own life in a heartbeat. 

He told her how his brothers stabbed him. How the child who he took under his wing put a knife in his heart. Just because he did what must be done for saving livings, not giving soldiers to the coming enemies for all livings. He told her the feeling, that void he still feels. He never talked about what coming back did to him but that night he voiced some of them.

She said “I would kill them all. Believe me if you didn’t I would kill them all.” 

“I know” he told her. 

She looked at him with unsure eyes, looking his chest and then him. “Can I look at it?” she asked. There was pan in her eyes, in her voice. “I want to know… I want to see that they did to you.” she added.

They were in a little room, just two of them. He couldn’t leave Arya alone with men. That was safer. He opened enough to show her the stabs not removing the cloth. It was hard to see the pain, rage and tears forming all together in his little sister’s eyes. She stretched her arm to touch the still visible wounds. She couldn’t first but then she did something. She landed a kiss to her own finger tips then put that fingers on the wound above his heart. He could swear he felt that kiss as if she kissed his heart. He put his hands on her little hand. 

While he was still in Winterfell before joining the Watch, he always felt happy, warm and belong when his little sister was in his arms. She made him feel what the emotion called love is. That didn’t change after all these years. He felt loved and warm.

When she pulled her hand back her hands went to her middle. He didn’t understand first. Infact he thought silly things for a moment. But then she pulled her tunic enough to show a part of her abdomen. There were two stab wounds. She showed her own wounds to him. He got near her immediately. He was going to do the same thing she did to him, he wanted to touch the wounds and feel that she was still warm and alive under his fingers. His fingers brushed her wound, he felt the newly healed wound then she pulled back and adjusted her tunic. 

“I am good now” she said for assuring him or herself he didn’t know. “It was the punishment I got for not killing the actress. They stabbed me and killed her. I took the Needle from the place I hid it when I couldn’t kill that woman. Needle was the one thing I couldn’t throw away. It was you, your smile. It was my home. I just couldn’t throw it away. They wanted me to throw everything that belonged to me. I hid Needle. After I know I couldn’t be one of them I took Needle. I killed the one who did this to me with it.” She told him.  
He just hugged her after that. 

He knows how Arya feels about herself. She still fears about his acceptance. She is not a bad person, she can never be. She did bad things but in his eyes she was just a little girl seeking for a home, for a place to belong. There are people in the world who turn innocent little girls or boys into things they see to fit for their advantages. Some of them makes whores out of little innocent bodies. Some of them makes them slaves. Some of them makes killers. Arya was seeking for a home, a traumatized child who wants desperately to belong somewhere. Those people took her, wanted her to turn into something she isn’t to accept her, to give her a home and a roof where she can feel belong. They tried to wipe her identity, her family and her character. She was a little girl but she didn’t give her name, her identity. She didn’t give Arya Stark to those people. He wishes she can really see how he is proud of her. 

When he heard her voice before seeing heri Jon pulled himself back from his thoughts. “There she is” he said with a little smile. She was with Ghost and Nymeria of course. She learned warging from Bran. Nymeria and her pack came to them and helped a lot. She was good with the wolves. She and Bran thought him too. They are more connected with Ghost now. 

He is still not sure how to tell her, how to approach this. He can wait but he made up his mind and he doesn’t want to postpone the talk. 

He watched Ghost and Nymeria sitting at the same time and listening Arya. He smiled. She was talking to wolves, telling them not to go deep in the woods while hunting. The two wolves were looking at her as if they were really in a serious conversation.

He decided to make his presence known.

“Maybe this time they will listen to you little sister. I still remember Nymeria’s rebellious days as a pup.” 

Arya turned him, lifted one of her brows.  
“I thought you were just going to stand there and won’t come.”

“Did you know I was here?”

“Of course… I know how you walk and breath. My wolf senses are always good. I could hear you.”

Jon walked and sat beside her.

“She-Wolf in everything… The name suits you.”

She smiled “Well… I like that name.” She paused a little. “What’s bothering you Jon?”

“Nothing…”

“Jon… you were in deep thought last night.... This morning too. I knew there must be something related to me because you were throwing me tentative looks.”

“I was afraid that you started warging in my mind for a moment.”

She smiled one of her mischievous smiles. “Not yet.” 

She patted Nymeria’s fur, then sent her to Ghost who is laying a few steps ahead of them on the grass.

“Were you serious about being my Kingsguard Arya?” he asked.

Arya looked at him. It was obvious she was surprised about the question.

“Yes. I am serious about protecting you. Being Kingsguard is the best way.”

“Do you know what that title requires from you?”

Arya looked Jon with searching eyes.

“Yes, I know.”

“No marriage, no children, no husband… You must swear yourself to me. Could you do it?”

“I have no intention of marrying. Having a husband is not one of my dreams. Infact I can’t see myself swearing my life to a man… But I can swear my life to you. I can be your Lord Commander of Kingsguard you know.”

Jon felt a smile forming on his lips. Arya always can do that. Making him smile even if he feels the world on his shoulders.

“What about love? What if some day you love someone?”

“What about it?”

“Wouldn’t you want to marry him?”

“I want to be in Winterfell. I want to be free of duties they expect from women. I want to spar, fight, talk freely about my opinions and be equal and see respect. I don’t want to be chained to a man and to his castle which is not my home. I can’t marry an ordinary man because of my title. If I marry it must be among men who I can marry and that throws me away from my home and family. Why would I want to marry? Even if I love someone among those who I can marry, I wouldn’t want to be that man’s wife…. Why are you asking me these questions Jon? Are you going to make me your Kingsguard?”

Her face was showing her excitement. 

“No” Jon said.

Jon watched her face changing, the excited look leaving its place to a bit of annoyance and curiosity.

“Then why are you asking me these?”

“I can’t make you a Kingsguard Arya. But I will want a similar oath from you. Can you give it to me?”

Arya thought for a second. “Is it for your protection?”

“Yes”

“Then, yes, I can give you that oath.”

Jon smiled again. There she was, so sure, just asking if it is about his safety.

Arya smiled too, but her curiosity could be read as an open book from her face. 

“What that oath means? Are you planning to establish a new kind of Kingsguards? Or will you take me as your armor? Armor of the King… It sounds good. If a King can have a Hand for help than he can have an Armor for safety matters.”

Jon laughed silently for a moment. 

“What? Don’t laugh... I am serious. Besides you are the one wanting oaths. If I will not be a Kingsguard or a King Armor, for what do you want an oath from me?”

Jon sobered with her question. He took a breath. Then looked at her. Very carefully he said the words.

“For being my wife”


	3. Part 3

Arya looked Jon’s eyes for a few seconds. Was he joking? It wasn’t his way to joke about these matters but if he was going to want something that botters him or important to him, he could be trying to lighten the mood. He doesn’t make jokes generally but he does that with her. Not as many as she wishes but it was a rare occasion he only shows her. This must be it. She shook her with disbelief. A smile appeared on her lips. 

“For what?! Don’t joke with me Jon. Why are you here?”

Arya saw he didn’t like the answer she gave. His face was like he was pinched or he ate something he didn’t like. He blinked and quickly tried to cover the expression. If all of her face reading trainings are true, Jon’s face was saying he was serious. Her smile disappeared slowly.

Jon was going to say he wasn’t joking, he is serious. But he saw Arya’s smile disappearing from her face. He understood she read his face. He waited for her reaction. He had to see how away or how close she was to his proposal.

“You are… serious.” Arya said carefully.

“I am.” Jon said with conviction.

A few seconds passed before Arya talked.

“Well… Are you going to… explain it to me? You said it is for your protection.”

She didn’t say “no” to his proposal and that was something Jon thought. 

“It is.”

Jon could see Arya’s mind was working with forming lots of questions and trying to answer each of them before saying something. It was a fascinating sight seeing her mind working like that but he need her mind to agree with him and he was afraid she will find his reasonings stupid or crazy.

“No marriage you said… I will be married to you so there can’t be other marriages. “ Arya started to share her process with the proposal. 

“Yes” 

Jon again gave no further explanation, waited for Arya.

“No children, no husband… This marriage won’t be a real one then. Am I right?”

“It will be real Arya. I mean we will promise ourselves to each other. We will be bound by our oaths to each other. But… there won’t be… some parts of… there won’t be consummation part.” Jon said the last part in one breth. Steadying himself he looked Arya’s face. She looked back at him with probing eyes. She was confused and he could see she was trying to read him. It was hard to hold her gaze, he could feel her eyes inside his mind but he let her look. 

He doesn’t know what she did see or didn’t but Arya turned her eyes from his face. She started to watch the direwolves. 

“I don’t understand Jon. For me it can work just fine. I understand now why you asked about being a Kingsguard. I never wanted marrying, so having children is out of question too. I don’t see myself as a mother infact. But I can see myself giving them something to live for and I can do that. I was thinking about training both girls and boys. Like sort of royal school but ther will be baseborns too. I am sure there are lots of girls having dreams other than marrying and boys love learning fighting. I thought in this way I can be with them, you know children, if I want that kind of thing in my life. It will be like giving them a path they can walk, like a mother and father want to give their children. Only they will call me “master”… or “great master” will be better” 

There was a mischievous smile on her face. Jon smiled at her. He can’t resist that look or smile.

They stayed like that smiling each other for a second. Then her smile disappeared and she resumed. “But for you… I can’t see how it can work. You will need an heir.”

Relief... He can feel it in his bones. It is easy to convince her if her only concern was for him,

“Arya… Do you remember our talk about rules? How we didn’t make them and they were unfair?”

“Of course I remember.”

“I want to change the rules Arya. It is the perfect time for it. Now most of the houses are gone. The war for iron throne wiped some of them, great war wiped others. There aren’t many powerful houses. The new generations will be shaped as we shape them. They want me to marry a northerner lady to make my claim stronger. Now you are… my cousins by blood… your and Sansa’s names are mentioned as the most powerful suitors.”

“I see… There is no name like Stark in the North.”

“Exactly. So the remaining lords will be silent. I can manage them if I want to but this marriage insistence is something I want to get rid of and I can’t deny the need to silence all the doubters about my claim in North.”

“It is not fair. After all the things you have done, there are still people who can question you. Aunt Lyanna was a Stark. Your blood is half Stark just like us.”

Jon’s heart gave a warm thud. She is always the one who makes him feel he is belong. 

“We can change that. We can make whole people see women are important too.”

“We need something to make girls go out of their homes, castles and learn other things than needle work. We must give girls other needles. Like the one you gave me or other needles that will make them fighters, writers, maesters. We must give them other choices than marrying.”

“How will we do that?” Jon asked. He wanted to hear her forming ways for their cause.

“I don’t know. Like starting schools like I want to? We can order every house to train their daughters too. We can show the Great War as the excuse. I can teach fighting, I am good at numbers and I love history. Training from Queen.. We can go bannermans to give some courses to children. It will encourage them. Sam will train little girls and boys as the future maesters. I know this won’t be enough for change but it will be a step.”

Jon smiled. He knew she would be like this, with ideas and excitement he needed. He could feel her picturing all the things she said in her mind.

“But… I can give all the help you need without marrying you. I mean… if you need a Stark, you can marry Sansa. She would be better at politics. She will be a good queen.”

Jon sighed. With all delusions Arya was directed to about being a good lady he knew this will happen. He knew Arya will say this. 

“I know Sansa can be a queen, a good queen in managing castle and bannermans needs, arranging winter or summer requirements of North and most of all managing lords demands, playing among them. She is good at playing the political game.”

“So why me? I know you love me but…”

“Arya… Can you picture Sansa doing things all new and a danger to her position as a Queen? Can you picture her as a reformer with a desire to change things? Can you picture her not backing from the steps that have to be taken while all the Lords are not happy with her?”

Arya bite her lip. 

“Well….”

Jon smiled. 

“You can’t. Don’t worry about the needs, armors, food portions… You can learn them all. You are smart, you can even suggest your own ways when you learn it all. About politics… You learned playing roles, right?” 

When Arya nodded he continued. 

“It is like that. A role… Having a serene controlled face and playing to not to give away much from your wants while not driving off the people we need or we can need in the future. You can learn it too. Even I learned. I will be there to instruct you. You will see this is not hard for you. I need someone who has a strong will Arya. Sansa is… don’t get me wrong I don’t talk with grudge based on past. She is my sister but she is too open to manipulations. A few objections from Lords and she would be panicking and abandoning the cause. She knows how to play among them but she can be a pawn in their hands too. Besides she would want to secure her place as a Queen, she won’t accept the marriage I propose. And… she doesn’t have the desire for a new world, for correcting the rules which are unfair. It is our dream.”

Arya can see right points in Jon’s reasons. First of all Sansa won’t accept some parts of this marriage. She would think some duties are necessary. She would want heirs to make her place stronger and to avoid the talks about her or Jon unability to produce heir. Arya felt a tremor go through her when she thought about a child produced by her sister and Jon. No… No this isn’t a good thought she decided. But heir will be needed for Jon. She wouldn’t care about whatever they say about her but Jon… 

“All of this, I can understand. I can accept too.”

Arya saw Jon’s smile spreading his face. It was such a good view. Jon Snow’s smile…

“There is a but coming I know. But… we can solve it I believe.” Jon said. 

“Jon… This proposal works fine for me. I already want to protect you. Who is closer to King than the Queen?”

“This way I can protect you too little sister. It would be very weird if a King throws himself in front of his Kingsguard but a King can protect his Queen.”

Arya laughed. 

“We are already weird “brother”.” 

“We will be careful around others.”

“We will… but I don’t want to lose being your little sister. I won’t lose it, right?”

“Never.” He said with determination. He needed her to believe nothing will change. It will be just two of them again, just people name them with another title. 

“I have still have one question Jon. How will this work for you? They will expect an heir. It is fine by me but now talks about marriage bother you. It will be replaced talks about heir.”

“I thought about it. You are four and ten Arya. You are too young.”

Jon dropped her gaze and resumed talking. “I will make sure everyone knows King makes sure his young Queen drinks… some teas to prevent pregnancy…. When anybody talks about it I will say you are young. I have this fear lately… Everyone says you look like my mother… Lyanna…. I am grateful that you are away the idea of marrying. I never wanted to give my little sister away…. to some undeserving man and I would have this fear eating me. Now, I will use this fear as an excuse. This will give us some time.”

For the first time their talk started Arya streched her arm for him and put her hand on his. Jon turned to look Arya. Her face was soft, her grey eyes were warm.

“Don’t be afraid for me.”

“It is impossible for me not to be afraid for your safety. You will understand me when you become a big brother.”

Arya laughed and Jon joined her. He put his other hand on her hand and captured her hand between his hands.

“Well in that case it is impossible for me to understand. But you can relax Jon. It seems I will have King as my personal guard.”

Jon gazed her eyes with hope, happiness and an excitement he can’t understand where it came from.

“Does this mean you are accepting?”

“I am still doubtful about how this will work for you. I mean after a few years what will we do when they ask about an heir?”

“Don’t think about heirs. There is Bran and also Sansa. They can give us heirs. If they don't, just trust me. I will think about a way.”

“What way? Will you… Are you thinking about having… a natural born child?”

“No Arya…. I said we will promise ourselves to each other. There will be no lovers for you and no lovers for me.”

“Jon… won’t you need some… actions in your life? In some departments you know… like love... and other things” A pink blushed appeared on Arya’s face.

Jon couldn’t decide which feeling to give in. The embarrassment he was feeling because his little sister was asking him about his possible need to fuck someone or the laugh that wanted to break free because of her effort to tell this properly? There are times she doesn’t give a thought about being proper, she can say the first thing that comes to her mind. But there are times she is like this around him. Acting delicately, speaking so delicately with him. 

Jon decided to give the laugh that bubbled inside him a way out and gave her hand a squeeze. 

“No. I can manage it. Don’t worry about... my needs.”

“But will you be happy?”

“With you next to me I will.”

“I don’t know Jon. What about children? Won’t you want them?”

“Not with the suitors that are presented to me. Not with anyone I don’t love.”

“What will happen if you love someone one day?”

“I will never leave you.”

Arya tried to pull her hand but Jon held it. 

“Don’t you trust me?” he asked.

“I trust you. But I don’t want you to be bound to me because of some promise and be unhappy about it. I know I would hate sharing you with a woman who will steal our time and nights together from me but most of all I want you to be happy. I don’t want to be your duty or have your commitment as a result of a promise you made before seeing a woman you will fall in love. I don’t want to be cause of your unhappiness.”

“I wish I can tell you the impossibility of it. That won’t happen. You can never be my unhappiness Arya and no woman can be more important than you.”

“You can’t be sure of not falling in love in the future.”

Jon sighed. He doesn’t know how he can tell this feeling of certainity to her.

“Arya… I know why you think the possibilities and can be unsure. But I have this feeling… This feeling of this being the right thing. I am certain in a way I can’t describe you. I just want you to trust me. I need you in this. I need you for being the King I want to be, for doing things I want to do.”

“I want you to promise me….”

“I will promise everything you need.”

Arya looked at their hands.

“Promise me we will be equals. I know I must learn some things but I want to be listened and have your respect always.”

“You have always had all of these things. I always listened you, respected you and see you as my equal.”

“I know… I just want to be sure this won’t change.”

“It won’t.”

“I don’t want you to hide things from me. I want you to be always honest with me.”

“I will.”

“This includes everything. If one day you fall in love with some woman, tell me. If you ever want to have a woman in your life, tell me. We can talk you know. We can break the marriage if you love this woman and we can find a way together.”

“Arya…”

“Let me finish.” She said and pulled her hand after tightening her hand around Jon’s hand. It was her way to give reassurance. When she talked her voice was softer.

“I don’t want to learn things from others. We wll tell everything to each other. I mean this is not just about... heart matters, it is about everything. I will tell you too.”

Jon’s face turned into a serious expression.

“It includes your heart too I see. We will make a promise to each other Arya and keep it. I don’t intend to have lovers and I want the same thing from you. We will protect each other.”

“I don’t make light promises. I intend to keep my promise. No lovers. I also will want the same thing from you. I don’t want to be a gossip topic of people and I don’t want you be either. I will protect you, you will protect me.”

“Then what is the problem?”

“The problem is we don’t know the future and if you someday want another woman, a family with her, I don’t want you to have a secret affair behind me or be unhappy. I want you to tell me before having anything. We are family, we will always be family. That way we can find a way. When the right time comes we can break the marriage. We can go back to being just brother and sister, at least for each other even other people see us different. But if you hurt my trust then I will never speak with you and I don't want that to happen.”

Arya felt her heart break at the possibility of Jon with any woman while they promised to stay loyal to their marriage. If this possiblity hurts this much for her brother, what lovers do? Jon is her brother and he will always be her brother. No woman can change that. How lovers can handle things like betrayel?

“I guess it is my turn to say the same things to you little sister. But you see I am your big brother and I can’t say I will be okay with you having a lover. You don’t want to marry, I hope you will never want that in real concept with some man. It will be my excuse. I can’t let you have lovers out of marriage. So it will be unnecessary for me to break the marriage…. If you want a real marriage, know that I will hold you to your promise. You can’t leave me little wolf. When I said I want an oath from you I was serious. If you were my Kingsguard you couldn’t go either. But my demand is the same. You are going to tell me everything including… your heart matters. I want loyalty in everything.”

Arya laughed despite the annoyance she felt with Jon’s words but at the same time he was being honest. And there was a different feeling, a feeling like she feels when an adventure presents itself. 

“You are lucky I never had or wanted any sort of lovers so that I am very away to the concept of such things. It is hard for me to picture myself wanting those things. You will have my loyalty.”

Jon smiled with a relief. Yes indeed it is good that she was always far from anything related to love or lovers or knights or young lords.

“But…” Arya added. “That doesn’t say this is fair for me. Different standards for both of us. This is injustice you know. Here I am ready to break our marriage for my brother’s happiness but you say I can’t have any sort of it.”

“There is no different standards. I hold myself to the same standards I want from you. I will give you the same loyalty I want from you.”

“Same standards, same loyalty?” Arya questioned.

“Yes. I promise.”

“I was serious about the other things. About telling everything.”

“Don’t worry I will tell you everything. I will always be honest with you.... There is one more thing Arya."

"What is it?"

"The terms of our marriage will stay between us. Noone can know. Even Sansa and Bran."

"I won't tell anyone. If Bran can see in his visions we can always deny."

"Yes, we can do that." 

Jon was smiling at her. Arya took a deep breath to say her answer he is waiting for with that smile of his on his face.

“Well then… I guess my answer is yes.”

Jon’s heart made a thud. It was strange. He didn’t feel this excited for a long time. He felt like he was a child again and he was going to play a game with her. It is going to be exciting to have her as his official play mate. He was feeling a little giddy with the feelings but tried to hide it.

“Yes?”

“Yes.” She said with conviction.

“Yes what?”

“What are we talking about Jon?”

“I want you to elaborate your yes so I can be sure.” He said with a playful smile.

“Why would I need to elaborate? I didn’t get a proper proposal, did I? So yes to whatever you are offering me.”

He laughed.

“You want a proper proposal?”

She shrugged. 

“Why not? If I am getting married…”

“Okay” said Jon. He turned her body to her and took her hand in his hands.

“My little wolf… Will you give me the honour of being your husband, making you my Queen so that we can do the things our hearts desired even when we were children and couldn’t do anything?”

“Yes… You will have my word and my promise. I will help you and support you. I will protect you. I won’t let anyone harm you Jon.”

Jon kissed the little hand between his hands and pulled her in his arms. He felt her arms circle him. 

After he returned to life he couldn’t be sure about so many things. There is this feeling of uncertanity about everything and everyone since then. But this feeling never changed. This feeling of certainity he feels whenever he thinks about Arya never changed.

“I will protect you too little sister. You will have my promise, my word, my loyalty, my throne, my everything. I won’t ever leave you.”


	4. Part 4

After they left each other’s arms they looked each other for a second. When Jon saw the grin on Arya’s face he relaxed. 

“What’s that grin for?”

“Don’t you think it is like old times? We have our own secret, we play our own game. It isn’t different, just a bit more serious and bigger game. But it is us.”

Jon smiled. He was feeling so light, so peaceful. He knew Arya would understand him. But at the same time there was a place inside him that wants to be sure that Arya understands this game is for real and won’t end after they started.

“Yes, it feels like old times. You always wanted to play the games for boys. Wooden swords, learning the tracking, writing stories for every track.” He was looking at her but he was picturing the little girl and the young boy who loved playing together. 

“I loved the story game. We could imagine every adventure we wanted and we could be sure the good ones won in those stories.” 

“We can win this adventure. But you are right this game is serious Arya. It won’t end when the sun sets and we are tired of playing. There is no quitting.”

Arya didn’t say anything for a few seconds. Jon feared he maybe pressured her too much. Then she took Needle which was resting near her, on the wood they are sitting. She put it on her legs. Stroked the sword with her tiny fingers as if she was stroking Nymeria’s furs.

“Needle stayed as our secret. I didn’t give you away.”

Jon felt a warmth in his chest. The warmth he thought he couldn’t feel anymore but started to feel since Arya is in his life again.

“To whom?” he asked.

“To father, to noone” she replied. “Father asked about the sword when he saw me with it. He asked who gave it to me. I didn’t give you away. I knew they could berate you. I didn’t tell him. I didn’t give Needle away. They stole it from me. I took it back from the man who stole it. He was… He killed a child, a boy when we were on the way for the Wall. He was my friend, his leg was injured. He called for help. That man killed him. He shoved Needle through his neck. That man captured us and took us to Harrenhal.”

“Arya…” There was a pained expression on Jon’s face. Every time he learned e new thing that happenned to her his was feeling a pain worse than any stab to the heart.

“I took it back.” Arya said with a determined voice. He understood she was trying to make a point. “I took it back Jon. I was with Hound. I saw him. Needle was there, on his waist. I entered the little place they were eating. Hound had to come with me. The man knew Hound. I feared he would recognize me bu he didn’t. He thought I was… I was Hound’s… little play thing.”

Arya heard Jon’s sharp intake of breath. She didn’t look at him. She already knew what she will see. 

“He wanted Hound to join them, be a King’s man. When Hound said “Fuck the King” his whole expression changed. Hound didn’t mind it at all. He wanted one of chickens he was eating. That man Polliver said… said… he would give a chicken in return for his chicken… me… he wanted me.”

“Arya…”

Arya felt hands holding her face. He turned her face to himself. His face was just like she guessed. All pain… She knew it was hard to hear these thing for him.

“I swear I will kill this man. I swear….” His thumbs were on her cheeks and his fingers were in her hair, holding her nace.

“Polliver is dead Jon. He couldn’t even touch me.”

Arya saw that he relaxed a little with hearing no harm came to her. 

“I am sorry I wasn’t with you.”

“I am sorry too.”

There was this feeling again. Arya didn’t like to look into it but there was this heartbreak she was feeling. Sometimes she felt like… like Jon forgot her while they were apart. Even if he said he prayed for her, thought about her, when she didn’t find a trace of herself in Jon’s past, in the memories he told, she felt like she was forgotten. Maybe she should give him a gift like Needle too. Then she would be more present in his life. She shook herself mentally. It was silly to think these things. They all had been through hard times. Jon would be upset if he knows about this feeling. She never let Jon feel it. At least she hoped she was covering it. But maybe this time she showed it a little because Jon had this pained and sad expression on his face again. She didn’t want him to be sad. She was trying to tell something and this complicated feelings, this heartbreak she was trying to erase wasn’t helping anything. 

“Erase this feeling Arya” she said herself in her mind. Then she looked Jon. 

“Let me” she said pointing Needle. “We don’t want accidents now.” She smiled, Jon tried to smile too but it didn’t reach his eyes. He withdrew his hands.

Arya didn’t look his face when she continued her story. It was hard to tell some things while looking at him.

“I remember that my hand went to the sword behind me when I heard him. But lets say Hound was determined to take his chickens and not giving anything. He killed Joffrey’s men and I helped him. I killed Polliver. I took Needle and shoved it in his neck just like he did to my friend. I took back our secret. I didn’t gave away when they wanted me to give up everything related to Arya Stark. I hid our secret. It was my home, it was the winds and walls of Winterfell. But most of all it was your smile, it was who I am.”

It was hard to talk about these things. She took a breath. It was then Arya felt arms circling her, pulling her. Soon her face was on Jon’s chest. He was hugging her, stroking her hair.

“I promise I will never leave you again. You will never be alone.”

She hugged him back. 

She wants to believe when he talks like that. But she didn’t let herself get distracted by the need she felt. She didn’t left Jon’s arms though.

“I know how to protect, hide and defend a secret Jon. I know how serious it can be. Needle was our secret. Your gift to me before you left. I cherished it, I held it near my heart. I know how plays, games and gifts can be your life. I know what you are offering is no child play. It is okay because my games are no child play since I left Winterfell.”

“I know… I didn’t mean it like that. I just wanted you to be sure. ” Jon kissed her hair. He hid his face in her hair for a while. “I am sorry…. I am sorry Arya.”

Jon was feeling all these intense feelings and he didn’t know which one is the worse. It was foolish to think Arya was going to think that it is a game and will quit like a chld. It was all because of that silly fear he can’t name. He wanted to be sure. But it was foolish. She can still be too young but she is no child in mind and heart. And all the things she told… he felt twisting knives in his heart. She was a child, alone, without him and… and… there were eyes on her, thinking about touching her, hurting her… 

He hugged Arya more tightly.

Arya closed her eyes for a second. She let the feeling of security envelop her. Just for a few seconds. There were so many things to think. She pulled herself a little and looked Jon. She bit her lip nervously. She saw Jon’s eyes shifting her lips and a smile forming slowly on his lips. When he looked her eyes again he was smiling.

“What happaned?”

Arya pulled herself from Jon’s arms but sat close to him with a nervous expression. Jon knew that face. Even when she was a child, when she came to him biting her lips, with a nervous or worried expression on her face, he knew he had to help his little sister. After they reunited it didn’t change, when they talked about plans, attacks or anything else, even when others are in the room and her face gave nothing away if she was biting her lips it meant she was worried, not sure or something was bothering her. There were times she said what is in her mind right away. He remembered the Great War councils. When she was expressing her opinions or suspicions, her eyes would always find his. If she didn’t say anything and didn’t come to him after, he would go to her and try to learn the problem. 

She was still biting her lip and Jon again wanted to pull the worried lip between her teeth. Whenever she does that he has this urge to save that lip from her pearlish teeth. It is because she bites them so hard sometimes, he was afraid she was going to make them bleed. It is an urge to protect her. It is because he wants to protect her he reasons himself everytime. 

“We have to talk to Sansa and Bran first… privately I mean. We must think about how we will tell them. We must be ready to quetions.” Arya said. 

“Don’t worry about it.”

“How can I not worry? We were just little sister and brother yesterday and today we will tell them we are going to marry?”

“It can happen. We could say we were just continuing the habit but that our heart changed long ago. Or we talked and decided it is the best way."

When Arya didn’t seem convinced he added “Sansa knows my intention.”

“What?!”

“We talked. It won’t be a surprise for her.”

“You took permission from my big sister?” 

Jon didn’t want Arya to know whole concept of their talk. He hopes that Sansa never tells her. 

“No. She mentioned there are offers for you. Marriage offers for you came to me but I didn’t know they were writing her too. I told her it was me who they must write. We talked about my marriage offers and she understood I want to ask for your hand in the end.”

Arya looked suspicious. But Jon was determined to not to give away the real concept of their talk with Sansa.

“She just accepted it? What did she say?”

“Lets say… she knows it is the best option for me and House Stark if I marry you.”

It is not a lie, Jon said himself. Sansa knows that now because he told her, the best option is Arya for him. Arya doesn’t need to know this. 

“Didn’t she think it is weird?”

“She just said you don’t want to marry and you never wanted to be a lady.”

“She is right about it.”

“Being a lady and being a queen are very different things. So you don’t need to worry. Queens can set the rules, have the right to show the world examples of their minds. Determined and strong willed ladies can do it too, if they are strong in their seats. But queens just have to answer their kings. Not lords not anyone else. What you refused since you are a cild is being obedient, doing works that has no relation to world’s functioning. You refused to being a puppet from the beginning. It is exactly what queens must be.”  
“Did you say these things Sansa too?” Arya asked with a smile on her face.

“I made sure she knows my opinion. She knows I think you will be perfect queen.”

“Perfect… Hmm.. That I don’t know. But I think… I can rule.” 

The way Arya said the last sentence made him think the little girl with a little sword saying “I can be quick”. Jon felt this intense warm feeling in his heart curling through his body. This little being is still the only one who can warm his heart with so much love. 

“What about the other offers? Did Sansa tell you what she wrote them back? I hope she didn’t promise me to someone. That would be very bad. We started to get along and I don’t want to punch her.”

Jon laughed and Arya smiled despite the horror of marriage offers  
.  
“Don’t laugh. It is serious. I hate these things. They write everyone but me. If they write directly to me they would know I have no intention to marry.”

“Sansa didn’t write anything and can’t promise you someone. It wouldn’t be something formal. You can’t marry without my permission.” 

“Well… I think it is a good thing.”

“It is” Jon said softly.

“But you must admit it is still annoying. What I can or I can’t do is still in the hands of anyone but me. Even if it is you, it is not fair.”

Jon smiled again and streched his hand and mussed her hair. Arya smiled back with this gesture which is significantly belonged to them. 

“It is not fair but at least you know you are safe with me little sister.”

“I know.”

They looked at each other with smiling faces. Then Arya’s face changed again and she took a breath with excitement.

“So.. When are we going to tell them?”

“Today… After dinner.”

*****************************************************************************************************  
When they gathered together at the small room for private talk, Jon talked about the offers he had and how marrying from other houses was not his intention and it would not be a good solution for House Stark which he is a member of and feels belong to despite the Targaryen in his name.

Arya felt that Sansa understood the moment she saw that Arya was standing near Jon when they were in the room, didn’t sat like her and Bran. She knew what Jon will going to say. If she had any suspicions when Jon started to talk about offers she was sure. Since that moment she shifted her gaze between Arya and Jon.

“There are also mariage offers for Arya.” 

Jon looked at Arya and Arya guessed this was her cue to say her lines she prepared.

“And you all know what I feel about that. I won’t marry and leave my home for a lord or lord’s son. I won’t give up my freedom and live with a man who knows nothing about me. But I know I have some …. duties towards my family and home.”

“You are going to marry Jon.” Bran said with a calm and serious voice. 

Both Jon and Arya were waiting Sansa to say something but it was Bran. Since Great War ended he was more human. Still three eyed raven but with more emotions. But right now Arya wasn’t sure what Bran with more emotions will think about this marriage.

“Yes.” Jon said with a determined voice. “It will be better for whole of us. This house still needs to gain its power and make this family stronger. It won’t do good to give strangers the direct power to the Winter Throne through marriage.”

Bran remained silent. It was Sansa who talked. She didn’t say anything to Jon, turned her eyes to Arya.

“You never wanted to marry and now you say you are going to marry.”

Arya shrugged.

“It is not some lord. It is Jon.”

“Arya… Do you know what this means? Do you know what you accepted?”

Before Arya can say something Jon replied. He took a step toward Arya. He was in a defensive mood.

“She knows.” 

“I asked my sister.” Sansa said glaring him.

“I can reply” Arya said calmly looking Jon. Then she turned Sansa. “I know what I agreed. I asked many questions, he replied honestly each of them. I set my rules, he accepted. He set his own rules too. I accepted them.”

“Marriage is not just about rules Arya. You will… have to share a bed with him.”

Arya shrugged again.

“When I had a nightmare I always went Jon when I was little. Sharing a bed isn’t a problem.”

Arya saw Jon’s smile with her words. She was still going Jon but nobody needs to know that. Arya looked back at her sister. She was angry but trying to contain it.

“You won’t just sleep near him when you are married… You have to”

Arya raised her hands to stop her sister.

“I know what you meant Sansa. We are all aware what married couples do.”

“And you are not disturbed by it?”

“Why would I? I have seen disturbing things Sansa. I was disturbed and disgusted by many things. Jon won’t be one of them.”

Jon felt a surge of feelings envelop him with Arya’s words. She was so sure of him, so determined when she talked about him…. It was always a moving thing. Seeing her like this. It was precious to have this. 

Arya and Sansa were looking at each other. Sansa was still trying to measure her words, her reasons. Arya was giving a challenging look, daring her to question her. 

“I think we must all agree this is the best for our family. It won’t do good to dividing the power, our claim on the throne. If something happens to me, house of my wife can do anything through children. Now no house will have this power.”

“You talk like a Targaryen. They married their sisters saying they don’t want to divide the power. They want to keep the blood clean.” Sansa said.

“It is normal for me to talk like one of them. I also have Targaryen blood in my body. But Arya is not my sister. I am not marrying my sister…. Arya was nine when we were separated. When I saw her again it was years later and I learned I am not her brother shortly after. When you came to Castle Black I had a chance to feel happy that I reunited one of my siblings.”

“Even if it was me?” Sansa asked.

“Even if it was you.” Jon said and continued. “I didn’t even have that chance with Arya. Shortly after I hugged her I learned my parentage. I looked at her several times after that. I had back the person who I loved mostly and dearly but couldn’t say what she was to me anymore. Feelings was there but not the titles.”

Arya knew Jon was acting but it didn’t feel like that and it was breaking her heart. They talked about what they are going to say. They decided they must at least show them they don’t see each other as siblings, they see each other more like friends. Jon was talking like that because of this decision. But Arya couldn’t help and feel there was truth to it. It was breaking her heart. Jon had to be sure what she was to him. He had to. He was always her Jon. 

“So you decided to give titles yourself.” Sansa said. 

“Maybe I did.” Jon replied.

“I think I had enough of this talk.” Arya snapped. “Look… Lets not pretend. It is not like we all grew up together. We are all shaped separately by cruelty and away from each other. We are family. But when we first found each other we were bunch of strangers who were bonded by memories. None of us had a place in each other’s life anymore. We learned to give places to each other in our lives. I decided to give Jon a place I didn’t want to give any other man.”

Arya turned her eyes to Bran who didn’t say anything and just listened them.

“Do you have anything to say Bran?” she asked with a calmer and soft voice.

Bran looked Arya with seeing eyes. 

“You are upset. Don’t be upset. You aren’t a stranger to me. I saw you. All the decisions you made, what you have seen, what things done to you, what you have done. How you changed your way when you heard Jon is here. How you are devoted to that sword and why… I am not surprised with this decision. This will be good for our family. But don’t expect it to be easy sister. You are going to deal with things you didn’t deal with before. I will be here when you need me. ”

“Thank you.” She said with love and gratitude. 

“Thank you Bran.” Jon said. 

Arya looked at Sansa. 

“I didn’t say I am not supporting you.” Sansa said after a sigh. “I just had questions. You are my family. You always have my support.”

“Thank you.” Arya said with a relaxed and smiling face. She was happy that this talk ended. Telling houses and other people were easy.

“Thank you Sansa.” Jon said. He turned his eyes to Arya, she sensed his eyes and looked back. She was smiling and that was a good thing. He continued with a determined voice. “We are going to announce our betrothal. We will send ravens to every house in the North. There will be a celebration. They will learn the reason when they are celebrating.”

“That means we have lots of work, orginizing, we need food supplies… ” Sansa said. It was obvious she accepted their decision and will help them.

“Together we can manage it.” Arya said with a light voice. 

“I can’t believe my ears.” Sansa said with a laugh. “Are you saying you will help me with a boring event like a celebration party for lords and ladies?”

“Well… It is my betrothal. It would be rude to leave you alone with all the works.”

“Then be prepared. First we need to make a list.”

Arya laughed. “I am good at lists.”

“If there isn’t other things you want to say I suggest to we go the dinner hall. We must talk and decide and we can have tea.”

When girls left the room Jon was behind Bran’s wheelchair. He was going to push it but he heard his voice.

“Jon” 

Bran was trying to look behind. Jon let go off the chair and came near him immediately. Bran looked up. 

“She won’t believe you easily.”

Jon thought Bran was implying Sansa. 

“Sansa can believe whatever she wants. I think even if she didn’t believe she decided to support us. We are a family Bran. She will help us.”

“I don’t talk about Sansa. I talk about Arya.”

Jon didn’t say anything for a while. He was trying to gauge Bran’s seriousness.

“I don’t know what you are talking about Bran. Arya always believed me. She never had doubts about me. She is the only person who accepted me wholly in this world.”

“I know that. But this is not what I am trying to say. Arya always believed in you and she always will. But you never really tried to make her believe something about you. Not after you left for the Wall? Did you?”

Jon thought about Bran’s words. He wanted her to believe they are going to survive while they were fighting with whites. He wanted her to believe they are still family, even though they are not siblings. 

“I wanted her to believe many things Bran.”

“I said something about you, not the things about the world or about our family.”

“I wanted her to believe I am never going to leave her.”

“And you wanted her to believe you missed her. You wanted but you never really tried and she never really believed.” Bran wanted to say but he didn’t. He sighed. He can’t say much. Not now. Jon won’t understand him until he sees just how much doubts Arya has. Even Arya doesn’t know her doubts. She doesn’t think about them. But she will.

“You will want…. her to belive other things Jon. Things about you. It won’t be easy. I am just trying to say… talk with her. Don’t hide your emotions, your thoughts. It will help.”  
Jon was confused. He knew Bran must have seen something to say these things. But visions can be complicated and he can be confused. Surely Arya will believe him, she knows he won’t ever lie her. 

He was going to say something but he heard Arya’s voice. She was at the foor and a little out of breath. 

“Are you two coming or you decided to leave all the things to us? I warn you Sansa’s anger can be worse than mine because we are talking about a royal party.” 

Jon smiled and for a moment forgot about all the things Bran said. 

“We are coming. Can’t we talk man to man with my brother?”

“You can. We have long corridors in this castle. You can talk while coming to hall or you can make this manly conversation later.”

“I was the one who wanted to talk Arya.” Bran said with a smile. “I wanted him to teach me some moves with sword on horseback. Now that I am more adapted being three eyed raven and world is safer for humans, I can do other things I thought.”

Arya smiled broadly. 

“It is a wonderful idea. We can do so many things. I can teach you too. But I guess you will be more comfortable learning from him. You were like that when we were children and some things don’t change. But I forgive you. It is Jon. If it was any other person I wouldn’t be so forgiving.”

“I know” 

Bran was really smiling now. 

“If you are going to talk longer we can start without you.”

“Now I am jealous.” Jon said. “If it was me, you weren’t going to be this understanding.”

“What can I say? He is my little brother. Little siblings can get away with everything.” 

Arya was smiling mischievously. Jon wanted to muss her hair and hug her. 

“Yes. Everything.” He agreed.  
“I think we can move this talk to hall. I don’t think Sansa will be forgiving like you two."

They laughed and started to walk together. While they were walking through the corridors he glanced at Arya. She was here with him, she was safe, she accepted his offer without doubting him or his motives. It was a different way of assuring they will stick together at the same time. She believed him even in this. She will surely believe him if he wants her to believe something about him. She will, he thought and smiled at her when her eyes found his and she smiled.


	5. Part 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The future scene is something I thought when I started to write this story. I wanted to give you a glimpse of their relationship. The scene is taking place approximately eight months after their wedding.

\---A Day From Future---

Jon’s heart was heavy. He was feeling like there was a huge weight on his heart. 

He sighed. They started the day happy and with plans but then the news arrived… He was confused at first. He tried to understand how this happened and while he was trying that she told everything with a smile. 

She was expecting something from him. He could still see her hopeful look for some praise or some sign that he was happy with the result. He didn’t give her that. He couldn’t help himself. What she did was smart but…. Dangerous. It could be dangerous for her.

Jon sighed again.

Whole day she avoided him. At the dinner table she just talked with Sansa and Bran. She didn’t even look his way. 

It didn’t go the way he intended. He didn’t want to fight with Arya. He just wanted her to know this is not the way. It worked. It certainly worked but it wasn’t his way. Maybe she was right when she said she wasn’t his little soldier or steward who would always follow his orders. He didn’t want her to be, he said back and he meant it. She told him he wasn’t her Lord Commander. He never wanted to. As if he can command her. Maybe he shouldn’t mention about rights and wrongs. He just wanted her to understand.

He walked faster to their chamber. Maybe he can make her understand before sleeping. Hugging her, stroking her hair, whispering in her ear…. He can explain himself easier. She was always calmer in his arms at nights. Everything is easier when they are in their room dropping the facades. 

Jon opened the door with these thoughts but he couldn’t see Arya. The room was empty. She said she was going to rest. Not to him of course, he heard her talk with Sansa. She said she was beat and going to rest and walked past him. Not saying anything. He thought she would calm down in their room, then he can talk with her. 

His eyes wandered around the room as if he can find Arya or as if she can appear suddenly. 

Where was she? 

He knew she was outside and practised with Brienne after their “talk”. Then she went to riding. She must be tired. 

Jon turned his eyes to his right, where her room was. 

They are staying at the rooms that weren’t used for a long time. This wing of the castle was silent for a long time. Even when they were children it was unused. The rooms were repaired and prepared for them. It was for the best. They decided they should use the rooms away from Bran’s and Sansa’s rooms who can suspect about their agreement. This was the master room now, a new master room for the new King and Queen. 

Arya said she was going to keep her old room at first. Noone would suspect she told him, this was what Queens do, they had their private rooms. She would need it more than any normal queens she said with a smile. She meant their arrangement. He understood that but he didn’t want her away from him. Her old room would be in the other wing of the castle. He wanted her near. He told her queen being so away from king wouldn’t be right. So he ordered the room near the big master room here to be prepared for her. She put some of her clothes and stuff there but some of them was here. She wanted the room but didn’t use much. She always prefers sleeping near him. Sometimes she says he is warm and her room is cold. It was like she was trying to explain him her presence in the room. As if he would somehow complain about her. How silly…. He didn’t want her to sleep in the other room too. She was always welcomed in his room even before the wedding. Now he can’t sleep without her presence.

So this was her punishment for him. She was punishing him by keeping herself away from him. She knew his nightmares just as he knew hers. She knows hugging her, feeling her tiny hands and fingers on his hands or arms warms him, listening her breathing chases away the nightmares. He felt angry with her choice of punishment… but supressed it. Anger isn’t the way to solve the problem with Arya now. 

Jon got out of the room and knocked the next room’s door. There was no response.

“Arya…” 

He knocked again and there was still no response.

“Arya… I want to talk to you.”

He knocked a few times again and got no response.

“I am coming inside.” He said with a huskier voice. 

He opened the door. He was expecting to see Arya on the bed, with her back to the door but she wasn’t there. She wasn’t in the room. 

He got panicked suddenly. Where was she? Where could she be? Surely she must be here, somewhere in the castle. She had to be…. 

“Maybe your decision about me was wrong. Maybe you should choose yourself a different queen, not me. Maybe this was all wrong.” 

Her words came to his mind and he felt fear in his heart. He tried to calm himself. Jumping the conclusions wouldn’t help him. She would’t leave him. This is her home. She woudn’t abandon him… and Bran and Sansa. Where could she be? Stables? She always loved being near the horses. He hoped she didn’t try to ride a horse at this hour. She knows it is dangerous. But when she is angry… 

Jon went to stables with quick and fast steps. He practically ran but he didn’t want to admit it. This urgency to find Arya, this panic was making him afraid. Afraid of what? He didn’t know. 

She wasn’t in the stables. She wasn’t in Godswood, she wasn’t in the kitchens. She wasn’t near the fireplace of the big hall. 

Now he was panicking and so afraid that he wasn’t even angry anymore. She wouldn’t do this to him. She wouldn’t…. Just because of a fight she wouldn’t leave him just like that. But where was she?

Sansa and Bran, he thought. Maybe she said something to them. He decided to ask Bran first. After all he always knows things, sees things. Maybe he could see Arya. He knocked his door without thinking. 

“Bran…”

“I am awake Jon.” Bran’s voice came behind the door.

When he entered the room, he looked around first. Arya could be here, talking with Bran. The thought made him angry strangely. But he didn’t dwell on it. They should solve their problem, avoiding him wasn’t a solution. That strange annoyance was because of that he thought. But after looking around the room, seeing no trace of Arya that annoyance seemed silly. He wished she was here. Could she be in Sansa’s room?

He noticed Bran was still looking at him and waiting for him to talk. 

“Did you see Arya?”

Bran looked at him carefully for a second then his face was neutral.

“She is in her room.”

“No, she isn’t there. I looked there first.”

“She is in her old room.”

He didn’t think about it. He never thought looking her old room. He thought about her wanting to keep her old room but he never thought of looking there. She never went there after the wedding.

Bran must sense his confusion. “She said she is tired and missed her room.”

“You talked with her?”

“Yes. She was returning what it seemed from a walk. Skirt of her dress was dirty.” Bran said with a smile.

Normally he would smile too. But not now. She didn’t go to her room directly. He should know she was too angry to sleep. He should go after her and talk. 

She was determined to avoid him. But he was more determined and angry.

“Try to understand her.” Bran said as if reading his thoughts. “She has her own reasons.” 

Jon looked at him but didn’t say anything. He didn’t know what to say. He had to talk with Arya and finish this nonsense. 

He didn’t give a reply to Bran. He was angry and hurt. He knew he hurt her, she was angry but Arya shouldn’t do this. It was bad enough her being in her room, the room he had gotten prepared for her. She didn’t use it much. They agreed silently they were more happy and peaceful together. But her being in her old room… It was like rejection.

He was in front of her door instantly. He took a breath, tried to calm down himself and knocked the door.

There was no reply again. But she was here. He knew she was behind that door. He knocked again.

“Arya… I want to talk.” He said with a controlled voice. 

The reply came shortly after. 

“I am tired…. I’m going to sleep.” She said with a calm but stubborn voice. 

“Arya… We need to talk and I’m not going anywhere”

“I don’t want to talk right now.”

There was no way of him leaving without talking to her. She took it to the point of sleeping here. They are going to solve this nonsense tonight. 

“Then I will wait here whole night.”

“Suit yourself.”

“Arya… you know we need to talk.”

“I need to sleep right now.

“You wanted it.” He said then put his hand to door handle. 

“I’m coming in.” He announced and opened the door at the same time. 

When he set his eyes on her, it was obvious she rised from the bed when she heard him and was trying to jump out of the bed but the sheets and the fur on the bed weren’t making it easy. He would laugh if they weren’t in a situation like this.

He felt a sense of peace settling in his heart as soon as he saw her. It was strange how quickly the panic, that desperate feeling calmed down.

“I didn’t think it was necessary to lock the door in my own house.” She said with an annoyed and serious voice.

“I didn’t think you would need locked doors between us.”

She managed to get up from the bed. She was wearing one of her nightgowns. Cotton ivory, semi sleeved, long nightgown with pearl buttons holding a square shaped collar… Same coloured embroidery around the neck…. He liked that nightgown. But no more than the sleeveless one. Because he can warm her skinny arms easier in that one and he likes the feel of her arms under his fingers, knowing that she is there. But with this one he had to find his way into the sleeves, sometimes pushing sleeves up and putting his hands where the sleeve was. But aside from that problem he likes this one too. When he hugs her from behind, one of his hands always ends up playing with that pearl buttons, feeling the smooth texture of it. The first button sometimes opens as a result of his playing with it. He recloses it sometimes. Sometimes he allows it to stay open and his fingertips touch her skin accidentally. More than a few times his hand ended up on her collar bone, just above the neck of her nightgown and he left his hand there, protecting that delicate bone, feeling the warmth of her. And more often he wanted to lower his hand to her heart, put his hand on the ivory coloured scar he knew that is there on her heart. Like colour of her nightgown but with a more silvery touch. He wanted to put his hand there and feel her heartbeat. One time he did that and tightened his arms around her as soon as his fingers touched her skin. He didn’t want her to bolt from his arms. She was surprised and jumped a little but didn’t do anything to escape from him. He didn’t think about it much. He just put his hand there. His fingers grazed the soft flesh of her breasts in the process. He wanted to… No, he dismissed that want that night. She was tense at first and he didn’t like that but her heart quickened and he liked that feeling so much. It was like feeling music under his hand. “Your heart will always beat little sister. I will make sure of it as long as I am alive” He said her that night. He kissed her temple, letting his lips stay there. He felt her getting relaxed. She slept while his hand protecting her heart. His other hand was on her abdomen where she was stabbed. He puts his hand there often. They do that, putting their hands on their wounds. He likes it when she puts her hand on his heart. On the wound she knows there but generally can't see because of his shirt he wears for the bed. He always sleeps with more peace when she does that. While his hand was on her heart, she tensed whenever his fingers or side of his hand touched her still budding breasts. He kissed her temple or hair whenever he felt that tension and she relaxed after that. Eventually she slept and he kept his hand there. He removed his hand at the morning when he woke up before her. 

Suddenly he was angry again. She went their room, took her nightgown from the drawer and came here. Somehow that made it more… more like… like what? Rejection, leaving? He didn’t know but it made him angry. But he was sure of one thing. He doesn’t want her to sleep here. 

He noticed that Arya started to fidget under his gaze and she was getting more annoyed.

“You wanted to talk. Say what you want to say and let me sleep.”

“You won’t sleep here.” 

“What?!”

“You are not going to sleep here.”

“This is not for you to decide.”

He wanted to say she was wrong but decided against it.

“You were the one who wanted to talk Jon… So talk.” 

She was waiting and he didn’t know what was the true thing to say. He just wanted her to know they can’t solve their problems like that. He thought making her see this would be a good start.

“Every time we have an argument or think differently on a subject will you be doing this? Sleeping in another room, avoiding me?” Leaving me he added inside but didn’t say aloud.

“If I did it every time, this wouldn’t be the first time.”

“This isn’t the way to handle problems Arya.”

Arya laughed bitterly and he understood he said the wrong thing.

“It seems none of my ways is right for you.”

“Arya… I know… some of the things I said wasn’t… fair. It was…”

“Fair? Wasn’t fair doesn’t cut it Jon.” Arya burst out. Her calm demenour disappeared. “It was blatant injustice. What I did maybe wasn’t your way but it is my way Jon. Your methods may be straighter but in my route noone got hurt. Not really… They just thought they will but they didn’t. So I pulled a stage. I used their weakness to make them see. This way maybe some people, a child or a little girl got saved before you all can decide and agree.” 

“You can’t trick people everytime.” 

“Ahh we came to rights and wrongs again. My right way is doing the right deeds for my people as soon as possible. I don’t give a damn for convincing the lords, stroking their conceits. I am not their servant.”

“So you think I do that? I’m not their King but their servant?”

Arya took a deep breath. He could see she was tryng to find the right words.

“I understand the need for convincing them, making it as if we are doing all of these together, in union. I don’t say we must dictate everything and I don’t say it is the way. But when someone is being stubborn and not accepting what we offer just because he wants to be important, then we must change our strategy. I did that. I convinced them but in my way.”

“You can’t do that everytime and above all you didn’t tell me.”

“You talk as if I solve everything like this. You wouldn’t let me Jon and I knew this would put us in a waiting position again. Honestly I didn’t think you would react this way. You reacted as if I killed someone.”

He sighed. He could see her point but… Her leaving him out of things still stings. He can’t protect her when he doesn’t know what she is up to.

“Arya… I can understand why you did it but promise me… you will talk to me before doing things like that.”

“Do you really understand? What was you said? Did I learn this games and tricks in Braavos? This new methods of mine weren’t our way in North. Did I forget what Eddard Stark taught us?”

“I was angry and afraid. I am sorry Arya.”

“No… Saying you are sorry isn’t enough Jon. Because you don’t have any right to judge my ways, my strategies, my way of thinking. You don’t have any right!”

She was nearly shouting. If she wanted to hurt him without touching him, she did it. She thinks that he doesn’t have any rights on her. It hurt and angered him. She likes it or not he has every right where she is corcerned.

“That’s it? I don’t have any right to say anything about you. You are wrong Arya. I have that right since you opened your eyes to this world ” He said with a serious voice. He was still trying to control his anger but she was making it harder.

“You are the wrong one Jon.” She insisted. “You weren’t there with me when I changed. You weren’t the one who watched how Eddard Stark’s honor and honesty got him killed. You weren’t there when people from North betrayed Robb. Where were you Jon? You weren’t with me.”

“Why do you do this to me Arya?” He thought. She was right he wasn’t with her. He knows he will never be able to tell Arya how this pains him. But he wants her to understand he is with her now, he will be with her no matter what. Maybe he wasn’t doing a good job of telling it, while accusing her about wrongness of her actions. Maybe he should tell how her actions made him afraid for her first.

“Arya…” 

“Don’t say Arya now with those eyes. You are right, I changed. I saw how games, tricks and lies killed our family. Maybe it is not honorable for you but I am protecting you and my family from those who know about games and tricks more than you. You are so stupid you can’t even see this.”

He took a step towards her but she stepped back.

“Or maybe you are not stupid, you just doesn’t understand the need to protect you… and my family.”

“What does it mean? Of course I understand.”

“I meant it when I said you don’t have a right to judge me. You weren’t there.”

“I am sorry I wasn’t with you Arya. I will always be sorry for it…. But I am here now… Don’t you see? I found you again and I will always be with you. You won’t be alone again.”

“You didn’t find me. I came back. I found the way back home. I understand you chose yourself a path. But don’t forget that you left me before all of this happened. You chose Wall.”

“I didn’t leave you. How can you say that? You know… you of all people know why I joined the Watch… why I chose to make an oath to live on an ice. It wasn’t the life I wanted for myself Arya but I had to.”

“I know your reasons. I knew then too. I thought it was wrong but I understood you. I never questioned you when you said you did things because it was necessary, even if it wasn’t right for most people. Because I know and believe you. I may not agree your decisions or some things you did, I may not follow some of them and fight with you but I’ll always believe you. I never questioned your character or judged you about being right or wrong. Even if I don’t understand some things when I looked back, I never did that.”

“I didn’t judge you or your character Arya. I can never do that.”

“It sounded like that.”

“You are wrong….” He said looking at her with an open and certain expression on his face. He couldn’t believe how she thought all of this over a disagreement. He was angry at first, yes but she had to understand it was mostly because she tends to jump in adventure and he doesn’t like it. 

Then he thought about her words for a second.

“What is it that you don’t understand about me?”

“It is nothing important.” Arya said with an uneasy voice. He knew then she didn’t want to say it, she didn’t want him to know, but spoke with anger without thinking. And she was trying to hide it. If they weren’t in a conversation like this, he would laugh that she could still think she can hide herself from him.

“You said you don’t approve some of my actions.”

“I said I didn’t understand.”

“Okey tell me.”

“It has nothing to do with our problem.”

“It doesn’t matter, tell me. I want to know.”

She sighed. “Don’t forget that it is just questions... that crossed my mind but I didn’t judge you.”

“I won’t. Tell me.”

She turned her eyes and looked aimlessly for a while, but he could tell she was thinking. Then she turned her eyes to him. 

“I don’t understand how you never tried to do anything for me…for us.” Before he could speak she raised her hand to stop him. “I know you wanted to leave the Watch but your friends didn’t let you. I believe you. In the end you chose that path, you chose your oath. I can… understand this... I think. But I can’t understand an oath you could break for a wildling girl but not for your family… not for me."

His heart clenched painfully. He didn’t know she thought that. How could she? How could she think he wouldn’t try to find her if he knew she was somewhere out there?  
He was in front of her in two steps. He held her arms and for a moment he thought she would step back again but she didn’t. 

“I thought you were dead Arya. There was no word from you. You were assumed dead. I was going to come and rescue father…uncle…”

“Father…” she corrected him.

“Father…” he agreed. “I was going to search for you. But everyone thought you were dead.”

“And you believed them.”  
“You were so little. I thought it was impossible for a girl to save herself from gold cloaks. Thank Gods I was wrong.”

She stepped back and pulled her arms from his grasp. He didn’t want to let go first but when she pulled back her arms again he let her.

“Did you ever search for me?”

Jon was feeling that panic again. He knew what she was trying to tell but he didn’t know how to tell her what was in his heart. 

“I thought you were dead Arya.”

“Maybe it was easier to believe that.”

“How can you say that?!” He shouted. “How do you think it could be easy to believe the only person showed and thought me love, the only person who brought warmth in me just thinking her smile was dead! How can you say that?”

He saw at least his plea reached her. Her eyes misted. He still couldn’t believe she could think about it even for a second, let alone believe it. But it seemed she thought about it more than she admitted. So much that she was believing it, that he just didn’t care for her enough. 

“How can you think that Arya?” he said again silently. How can she doubt his love for her? He added in his mind and heart. “I thought you didn’t survived. I buried you in my heart and kept you in there with me. The moment I saw you again in Winterfell I was so happy, I didn’t feel that happy in along time.”

She looked like she was going to say something but she shook her head a little as if dismissing the thought. Then she sighed and thought for a few seconds before speaking. 

“I will ask you a question and want an honest answer. Promise me.”

“Do you doubt my honesty?”

“You started it with questioning my integrity.”

“I didn’t do that. I can never question your integrity. I just didn’t think it was a right thing to do.”

“Whatever…” she said as if she didn't care about his opinion but he knew she cared. “Promise me.” She said again.

“I promise.”

“Promise on your honor.”

“I promise on my honor. Ask it.” He said angrily with a commanding voice.

“Lets assume I was really killed…”

“Don’t!” He said, not letting her finish the sentence. “Don’t say these things Arya! Why are you doing this?”

“You wanted me to ask. If you don’t want to hear I won’t say anything.” She said looking directly in his eyes.

He sighed. Yes, he wanted her to ask but he wasn’t sure if he wanted to know now. But he wasn’t going to step back.

“Ask your question.” He said determinedly.

“…Or …I was raped.”

If she was doing this to torture him she was being successful. Her words were torture, daggers to his heart.

“Are you trying to punish me? Please just find another way Arya. Don’t say these things, don’t ever think.”

She continued as if she wasn’t hearing him.

“If the man or men guilty of those crimes came to the Wall, with a promise of giving their lives to your precious Watch what would you do? Would you break your oath and kill him or would you let him or them live with my blood on their hands?”

He didn’t think. He wanted to shake her and he did that. He went to her and held her arms firmly and shook her a little.

“What kind of a question is that? Do you need to ask? Do you think I would let anyone who hurt you live? You really don’t know me Arya. If you knew, if you know your place in my heart you wouldn’t question it. You would know how silly these questions are.”

“True. Maybe I don’t know. Answer me. What would you do?” She asked with a determined voice but he could see emotions are surging in her eyes.

“I would dug their hearts out Arya. I would cut their hands that touched you, carve out their eyes that looked at you. I would took their parts from them. I would…. Gods Arya… Nothing I did would be enough for those who hurt you.”

He took one of his hands to her dark locks.

“Don’t you know that?”

She didn’t answer him. Instead she said “It is good to know because no oaths would keep me away from taking your revenge from those brothers of yours, if they managed to kill you.” Her voice and eyes were angry, afraid and tender at the same time. She casted a glance to his heart then she quickly looked at him.

“I know” he said stroking her face with his thumb. “Don’t doubt me Arya. Don’t have doubts about my heart or your place in it.”

Arya dropped his gaze and turned her eyes to candles then looked at him again. When she started to speak her voice was soft.

“I didn’t say these to make you upset. Just… I have seen so much things to play nice and straight. I don’t think some people deserve the right ways you or father valued so much, because they don’t follow the right but depend on us to do it. That is my right and wrong now. Sometimes you must pull tricks and games, you must follow snaky paths. You may not agree but you can’t judge me. I have my reasons. You weren’t there with me, just like I wasn’t with you. I was alone, all alone.”

He didn’t let go off her cheek, continued stroking it while she was talking. 

“You are not alone anymore. I promise you I will never let anyone take you away from me. I will be always near you… next to you… with you… Do you believe me?” he said with a soothing voice. He brought his other hand and held her neck with both hands gently while his thumbs stroking her cheeks. 

She didn’t say aything but nodded. He continued when she didn’t say anything.

“I am sorry. I was afraid…Afraid for you… You do things I don’t even think about. I don’t know how to follow you sometimes. I can’t protect you if… if I don’t know what you are doing.”

“I don’t need to…”

He cut in, he knew what she was going to say. “Everyone needs protection Arya. I feel safe when you are with me. Everyone needs someone to trust. I need you, you need me.”

He kept stroking her cheeks, his fingertips were lightly massaging her neck. He felt her relaxing under his hands. When she nodded and agreed with him, he smiled. He brushed his lips to her forehead, whispered her while keeping his lips on her forehead.

“Lets go to our room. I don’t want to sleep alone.”

He felt her hesitation but just kept his lips on her forehead while he was holding her, massaging her neck and stroking her cheeks lightly and slowly. After a while she let herself go and rested her forehead on his lips. He felt pressure of her forehead and kissed her again.

“It is cold here anyway and it is awfully boring.” She said.

He smiled. He knew she felt it on her forehead.

“I can keep you warm… and I think I can entertain you. You are the only one who finds my company entertaining.”

She pulled her forehead from his lips and looked up. He looked at her, not removing his hands.

“They don’t know you. They don’t know how to make you smile.” Her voice was calm and soft. Her eyes were looking at him with love and a passion like she has when she is trying to make a point. 

“No, they don’t… And nobody can understand you, know you better than me little sister. Don’t forget that.” He said and hugged her. He kissed her hair and then felt her hugging him back. A huge peace settled in his heart. 

When they were in their bed that night, he couldn’t sleep. He knew she wasn’t sleeping too. He didn’t know the feeling that kept her awake. But he wasn’t sleeping because he liked just laying there, feeling her body near his and hugging her from behind, smelling her hair. It was better than sleep. He tightened his hold and pulled her to himself, closing the little distance between her back and his chest. He put his lips just near her ear. She was surprised and startled a little. In response he squeezed her, telling in a silent way he wasn’t going to release her.

“Noone can love you as much as I love you. Noone… Even your father or your mother, they couldn’t love you as I do. They would make you marry a man you didn’t want and would take away all of the things you enjoy doing in the name of your duties as a lady. Father wouldn’t like it, he would want you to keep your wildness and free spirit but he would do what his wife wanted in the end. They would think they are making you a favour. They would arrange a betrothal and give you away. I wouldn’t do that. Even if we weren’t married I would never give you to another. I would never force you. If you wanted to stay in Winterfell I would give you all the things you want and keep you here. I would chase every men… every one who intended to take you away from me.” 

He whispered whole words to her ear. She shivered a little, he knew it was because of his breath blowing her. It made him excited and warm. He didn’t want to think about that feelings. Not now… When he felt her hand holding his, he kissed her head firmly. He buried his face in her hair and stayed there for a while. 

“No, I could never give you to anyone. Not then, not now, not ever.” He thought while breathing her in.

 

\---Present Day---

Arya couldn’t believe this was her betrothal. She never imagined she would be in a celebration like this concerning her life. Her name day was nearly two moths ago. They celebrated it with a small and private celebration between family. Who would guess she would be betrothed at the age of fourteen and be married in a month. When they announced their betrothal, everyone applauded. Or she guessed everyone. She couldn’t look every face. She was trying to mantain a face that is both smiling slightly and serious at the same time, because she is going to be their Queen and her face must give a sense of authority. It was strange how people want Kings and Queens to marry and have bunch of children but at the same time they see love as an enemy to duty. They want to have them those children like they are preparing themselves to a war. She thought it would be more suitable if they go their chambers with an armour. 

She laughed at her thought and she thanked that her betrothal and marriage will be nothing like these men and women were expecting. 

She must laugh a little loudly because she saw Jon was looking at her. She tried to tell him it was nothing. She didn’t know if she was successful at that but Jon smiled. She could see he was nervous. He tried to appear calm and strong and kingly but casted glances to her whole night. She was nervous too but she slipped into the role of a future Queen. It was easy thinking it like a role, an invisible mask she was wearing over her face.

The preparations to celebrition was both flustrating and entertaining. Sansa drew her crazy a few times but she let her do her staff. They started to preparitions for wedding too because they wouldn’t wait long after betrothal party. Sansa wanted to make it like a southern gathering and it meant more of everything, more food, more decoration, more glittery. Arya tried to tell her it wasn’t necesssary at least for betrothal party. She told they would be betrothed for a month and making it a big party would cause trouble, because weddings must be bigger. Sansa agreed with her, said wedding is more important but her definition for a small party wasn’t the same with hers. At the end Arya thought it is what would make her happy and even if she complained she was liking it. If organizing parties and celebrations makes her happy she can endure it. So she let her do her business and went along as much as her patience allowed. 

When they are with Jon it was just like old times. They were joking with each other, jokes the others didn’t know and understand. They were sharing glances, knowing the others didn’t know the secret they had. Just like old times… It was usually her who was up to some mischief and Jon was mostly hiding her secrets back then, but now the secret and mischief were belonged to two of them. 

She must admit it was awkard sometimes to talk about their marriage. But Jon was looking at her face, searching for any discomfort always and she tried to hide it.  


For example to talk about their rooms yesterday. She guessed she could keep her old room. They both agreed the old master room at the other side of the castle was more suitable. They would keep appreances easier that way. She said casually she would move some of her clothes and staff to new room and keep some in her room. He didn’t like it. He said it wouldn’t be appropriate. She told him Queens do that, have their own rooms and she would need it more than any Queens. He looked at her then, not saying anything and she couldn’t tell what he was thinking. Then he said he will solve this problem, there is a room near the master room, he will make it prepared for her. Even if she told him it was unnecassary Jon said it wasn’t, her room is too away and Queen’s room being that away from King can cause gossips. She didn’t argue with him.

It was funny how you can let go some things just because it was making someone you love happy and content. These days showed her that. Of course she has her own red lines but why insist over a party or a room if it makes the person you love happy. These things weren’t important for her anyway. She can endure a party if it makes her family happy. She can leave her room and move to a new one if it makes Jon content. 

She must have wander in her thoughts longer than she noticed because she felt Jon’s hand holding hers under the table. He was looking at her again but seemed a little worried. She smiled at him. He relaxed and smiled back at her. With seeing his smile she confirmed what she was thinking a few seconds ago. Seeing that smile was worth enduring some discomforts.


End file.
